MIAMI -- Recently a number of current events have occurred that we here at News Central think you should know about.
No. 1, of course, is the upcoming nuclear war. Well, okay, this is not definite yet, but things are moving right along. The problem is the Russians. They are acting MUCH too nice. They have come up with this new policy called glasnost (literally, "this new policy"), under which they are allowing their citizens to be influenced by western influences such as rock 'n' roll. Of course, being Russians, they aren't any good at rock 'n' roll. Their No. 1 hit record, by a band called Death Tractor, goes like this:
Who is putting the 'bomp' in the bomp-ba-bomp-ba-bomp?
Who is putting the 'dip' in the dip-da-dip-da-dip?
These things are being done
By the Central Soviet Socialist Workers Committee for Youthful Songs!
But the scariest aspect of glasnost is that Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev has been going around sounding like Mister Rogers, telling everybody he is in favor of Meaningful Arms Reductions. Naturally this has caused President Reagan to say that he's in favor of Meaningful Arms Reductions, too. So now we have both sides claiming they want Serious Arms Talks, which means it's time to grab the beef jerky and head for the bomb shelter. Because if history teaches us one lesson, it is that Serious Arms Talks are invariably followed by intensive efforts on both sides to develop costly new weapons systems of the type that can be conceived of only by minds that have been encased for many years in oxygen-constricting military-style hats.
This is why we are spending 900 skillion hillion jillion dollars on the "Star Wars" Strategic Defense Initiative, a concept that came to Reagan one day during a historic nap. The way it's supposed to work is, if the Russians launch their missiles at us, the president will push a secret button, and there will be a huge rumbling in the Earth, and then, SPROING-G-G-G-G, a 650-mile-high collapsible spring-powered umbrella, manufactured by the defense branch of the Totes Corp., will unfurl itself in a protective manner over the entire continental United States.
Ha ha! I am of course just making a little strategic joke here. Which is too bad, because the giant umbrella might actually work, whereas President Reagan is currently the only leading physicist who does not burst into prolonged laughter at the mere mention of the "Star Wars" concept. I, personally, have had serious doubts about it ever since the time I went to a press briefing presented by a pro-"Star Wars" retired general, who attempted to assure the press, via an audio-visual presentation, that the United States definitely has the technical know-how required to shoot down enemy missiles in flight, only -- I swear this actually happened -- he couldn't get his audio-visual machine to work.
Of course the Russians, through various intelligence-gathering techniques such as subscribing to USA Today, also know that "Star Wars" won't work, which is why they pretend to be afraid of it, a trick they learned from the story about the famous communist theoretician, Br'er Rabbit, and the briar patch.
"Please please PLEASE," say the Russians, "don' build dat 'Star Wars' S'tegic Offense Disnitiative!"
In the other current events:
A major breakthrough has been achieved in strategic Central America as the leaders of the five key nations in this vital region -- Guatemala, Honduras, Nicaragua, El Salvador and Costa Rica -- formally agreed on a mnemonic device -- "George Has Never Eaten Salamander Claws Raw" -- so everybody can remember what these vital and strategic nations are.
Meanwhile, the U.S. policy in the strategic Persian Gulf appears to be working, as U.S. naval vessels have been escorting reflagged Kuwaiti vessels past the Iranians, who, in their war against Iraq, are using Chinese missiles and Russian mines to prevent oil from getting to Japan, which needs the oil to produce television sets to sell to Americans, who can then watch U.S. officials attempting once again to explain just what U.S. policy in the Persian Gulf is.