"The Hades Airline Company shareholders' meeting will come to order. Stockholders will rise for the Honorable Chairman Ike Boone. Hear ye, hear ye, the meeting is now in session."
"Ladies and gentlemen, I am happy to report that the Hades Airline Company made a profit this year of $150 million. Are there any questions?"
"How did we make the profit, Mr. Boone?"
"We canceled all our scheduled flights during months with the letter 'R' in them."
"Did we have any reason?"
"Not that I know of. But I instituted a new rule that any flights with more than five empty seats were canceled."
"How did we make money if we canceled our flights?"
"We own the Coke machine concessions in the airports. The longer our planes are delayed, the angrier people get and the more Coke they drink."
"Mr. Boone, I read in the paper that Hades Airline was fined for falsifying its repair records and using Bulgarian reject tires. Is there any truth to this?"
"We didn't falsify our records -- we shredded them. We have one of the finest performance report cards in the business. Given the right circumstances I would not hesitate to fly a Hades plane myself. By the way, we'll have to do without a dividend this year to pay the $2 million fine. But we hope to make up the loss by auctioning off our passengers' lost luggage."
"Mr. Boone, rumor has it that you don't have the slightest idea how to run an airline."
"I'm a businessman and I know how to put companies together. I may not be up on the latest schedules, but I sure as hell know how to break a union. When I took over Hades there were union people in every one of our departments -- greedy types who kept asking, 'What's in it for me?' Well, I got rid of those workers and now I have employes who may not know what they're doing, but they come cheap, and that means this company is making money."
"But,Mr. Boone, everything seems to keep breaking down. The departures are hopeless, the reservation system is the pits, the flight crews don't show up for work. What do you have to say to that?"
"I say I bought this company at $40 a share and it's now $50. I've never taken my eye off the bottom line."
"Mr. Boone, I took a Hades flight yesterday from Atlanta to Washington and spent four hours flying over National Airport. The pilot said he could not land because there was no one to service the plane since you laid off all ground personnel. Did you really do this?"
"Pilots love to blame management when they can't find a place to land."
"Mr. Boone, is it true you are going to sell all Hades' planes?"
"Not on your life. As a matter of fact, I'm planning on merging with Peter Pan Airways so we will be twice as big and have twice as much debt."
"Why Peter Pan, Mr. Boone?"
"It's a good fit for Hades. While we're first in flight cancellations, their record in near misses can't be beaten."