It's now time for Mr. Crash to answer your questions.
Q. What do the financial markets face right now?
Q. What is the nation looking to?
A. Leadership in Washington to resolve this country's enormous deficits brought about by 50 years of irresponsible Democratic leadership.
Q. What is lacking?
A. Faith in the Beach Boys to get this country moving again.
Q. Why is President Reagan not upset over the market?
A. Because his stock is in a blind trust and his hearing isn't that good either.
Q. Will the stock market dive have any effect on the summit?
A. Not unless Mikhail Gorbachev has invested his Soviet pension in the Wedtech Tool Co.
Q. Who is most responsible for Black Monday?
A. According to the White House, it is the people who voted against Judge Bork for the Supreme Court.
Q. Would this have happened if Bill Casey were alive?
A. No. According to Bob Woodward, Bill Casey told Woodward he was getting out of the market and putting his savings into Chinese Silkworm missiles.
Q. How do we prop up the Iranian stock market?
A. Send them a chocolate cake and a Bible, and put the ayatollah's picture on all moderate Iranian war bonds.
Q. If I have 100 shares of Safety Belt Airlines and they drop from $340 to $2 a share, should I get out or hold onto the stock?
A. This is what President Reagan refers to as a market correction. Only people who do not have faith in Wall Street would abandon ship when the price sinks to where it should be.
Q. How did the big shots do on Wall Street?
A. According to reports, all big shots got out before the crash. Every affluent person sold out on the previous Friday, at which point they made a pile and confounded all the money managers on the Street.
Q. There is a well known saying that when Wall Street sneezes, the rest of the world gets pneumonia. Is there any truth to this?
A. There is no truth to it at all. Johnson & Johnson did an experiment in which it had the entire New York Stock Exchange sneezing for three minutes. There was not one case of pneumonia at any market in the world. What happened was that everyone caught Asian flu. They were so irritated by the flu that they sold the dollar at its lowest rate in history.
Q. There are some very smart young people on Wall Street who aren't very smart right now. What happens to them?
A. McDonald's has a standing offer to hire all laid-off securities managers and analysts to work in its stores. A vice president said, "Anyone who has sold stock for the past few years can sell hamburgers. A grill is no different to work than a computer. I've had many dealers who started out deep-frying potatoes but now have their own golden arches."
Q. How can this country get its house in order so that the average person can become listed in Forbes as one of the richest people in America?
A. By demanding President Reagan and Congress forget their differences and force us to pay the price and take the pain that will make everyone bite the bullet, which will produce Dow Jones averages that all Americans can be proud of.