You are going to your relatives' for Thanksgiving dinner and you want to be very bright and say something meaningful. The subject up for discussion will probably be the stock market, so put these in your portfolio and use them as needed.

"I would rather have a Black Monday than a red-nosed reindeer."

"I lost $100,000 in General Motors, and I didn't even have to buy a car."

"I say there is a downside to every upside, and that's why God sends us economic signals."

"If Congress had done something about the lousy deficit, the market wouldn't have dropped through the floor."

"If the president had done something about the lousy deficit, the market wouldn't have dropped through the floor."

"If the lousy deficit had done something about the president, the market wouldn't have dropped through the floor."

"I'd like to get the German mark and choke it with my bare hands."

"Does anyone here want to buy my broker's Jaguar?"

"The nice thing about the stock market is that you never see the money when you invest it and you never see it when it is gone."

"Bernard Baruch once said, 'Wall Street is a crap game and all the world's a casino with players making entrances and exits until they lose their shirts and pants. That's why they say no matter who wins, Leona Helmsley never loses.' "

"If there is volatility in the stock market you will have a good sex life."

"My son works for Smith Barney and he makes money the old-fashioned way. He takes it out of parking meters at night."

"A trillion-dollar deficit means little to Americans, but because they live on an island, it scares the hell out of the Japanese."

"Panic selling can be fun, but it shouldn't be done without first taking a stress test."

"If you ask me, the big guy gets hurt worse than the little guy when the market falls over the side because the big guy has to change his entire life style, while the little guy can still get through the winter in his thermal underwear."

"People who criticize the Dow Jones averages are usually chronic complainers."

"When the widows and orphans get out of the market, then I will get back in."

"If Donald Trump knew the Dow was going to fall, he should have told Mayor Koch."

"My banker has gone into the valet parking business, if anybody is giving a party."

"Jim and Tammy Bakker just gave me a good tip on some property they own."

"I've listened to E.F. Hutton once too often."

"I originally went into the market for greed. But it was only last month that I discovered I was also entitled to a lot of pain."

"The only thing to do when your entire life's savings are wiped out is get a good night's sleep."