The White House is burning the midnight oil trying to put together an itinerary for Mikhail Gorbachev.

"Scratch Gorby's address to a joint session of Congress. They won't let him speak there."

"Now they tell us. Well, we have to let him speak somewhere. What about asking him to address a day school in Fairfax?"

"Better still, the Daughters of the American Revolution. They're always looking for an inspiring message."

"I'm not sure the DAR would give him a standing ovation. We have to arrange a forum for Gorbachev befitting his position as chief of the Soviet Union."

"Perhaps he could address a $1,000-a-plate prayer breakfast for Jerry Falwell."

"Won't it disturb Jerry to share scrambled eggs with the No. 1 Commie in the world?"

"No. Even if he isn't Christian, Gorbachev sells a lot of tables."

"Well, let's look into it. Now, we promised the Kremlin that Gorby would get TV exposure. What shows do we book him on?"

"What about 'Wheel of Fortune'? It would be great for Soviet-American relations if Gorby won a jeep on the show and Vanna White gave him the keys."

"I'd rather see him on the Phil Donahue show. It's more serious. Phil could ask what it's like to be Red rather than dead."

"Why would Gorby do it?"

"He just wrote a book on glasnost and he knows Donahue has the best show to promote it."

"I prefer to book him on Johnny Carson. Johnny could do an anti-Soviet monologue and have Gorby in stitches."

"Wouldn't it be better to put him on Ted Koppel?"

"We're trying to lighten up the summit. With Koppel you don't get laughs."

"I'd rather go with Geraldo Rivera. He could open a safe underwater in the Soviet Embassy and have Gorby describe the contents."

"Okay, that takes care of TV. Now what do we do for sightseeing?"

"How about Jim and Tammy Bakker's Heritage U.S.A. park? Gorby would not only get a chance to ride on some very scary amusements, but he could see how we raise money for religion in the United States."

"I'd rather send him to Disneyland."

"We wouldn't let Khrushchev go to Disneyland, so why should we let Gorbachev? Best he attend a pro football game and let him see our fans in action. That should scare the hell out of the Soviet Union."

"Are we still dragging him down to Wall Street?"

"No way. All he has to do is show his face on the floor of the exchange and we'll have another Black Monday."

"There would be no harm in letting him go to Las Vegas. Everyone in Russia says Gorbachev's a crapshooter."

"Hold it. Suppose he loses and demands on-site inspection of all the roulette wheels? What then?"

"We give him a ringside table to see Frank Sinatra and have Frank ask him to stand up in the middle of the show."

"Good idea. Well, the calendar is filling up. Here is the last item. We have to find a typical American family for Gorbachev to visit. Anybody have any ideas?"

"How about Ferdinand and Imelda Marcos?"