Mikhail Gorbachev said during his interview with Tom Brokaw that he has received 80,000 letters from Americans this year.
Here are a few his staff would not let him read. Dear Mr. Gorbachev,
When Mr. Yeltsin, the former secretary of Moscow's Communist Party, is tried for adventurism, will you pardon him if President Reagan promises to pardon Colonel North?
Joan Bialek Dear Comrade,
I am a Wall Street broker and I am happy to inform you that this could not be a better time to invest in the stock market. A few years down the road, when glasnost has been revealed as an anti-Soviet CIA capitalist plot, and you have been given the boot by the Politburo, you will be grateful that you put your hard-earned savings into safe, reliable American securities.
Just think, Comrade, you can spend your September years on a golf course on the Black Sea while all your friends are huddled around a fire on Gorky Street trying to keep their fingers from falling off in the cold.
As soon as you reach Washington, visit one of our convenient downtown offices and let us show you how you can own a piece of America. Sincerely,
Andy Krulwich Dear Mikhail,
I saw what you said to Brokaw about human rights and I agree with your hard-line policy. I want you to do something about my cousin Duba. I'm requesting this for your benefit, not his.
Duba can be one swift pain in the neck to anyone who is trying to preserve the Soviet way of life. He's always yelling at KGB people in the streets and meeting with newspapermen in his one-room apartment and printing underground poems criticizing your wife's clothes. You would be doing yourself a great favor if you put him and his entire family on the next plane to the United States, so Duba would become Reagan's problem and not yours.
You don't owe me anything for this suggestion. I figure Duba has made your people suffer enough.
Lenny (Hollywood) Domyan Dear Mr. Gorbachev,
I understand the treaty you wrote with Ronald Reagan requires both countries to destroy all intermediate-range nuclear missiles. I have a question to ask. Where are you going to bury the warheads? If you haven't decided yet, may I put in a good word for Cleveland?
Ziggy From the Carryout Dear Mr. Gorbachev,
You said in your interview that you tell your wife everything. Does she tell you everything in return? For example, has she ever said, "Mikhail Sergeyevich, although you are the leader of the nonfree world, I am one of the few people who know you never throw your socks into the laundry hamper"?
Peter the Great Jr. Dear Mr. General Secretary,
I wish to inform you that I was very hurt that you would talk to Tom Brokaw before you talked to me. After all, I'm the one you have to sign the treaty with. Mr. Brokaw may be the chief anchor of NBC, but I would like to remind you that I am not a potted plant. Sincerely,