The New Hampshire primary will be decided today. Some hope it won't be another Iowa.

"Mr. Quiche, it seems your candidate did very badly in Iowa."

"Iowa doesn't count. It's hip deep in corn and soybeans."

"But you said two weeks ago that your candidate had to come in second in Iowa if he was to come in first in New Hampshire."

"I said a lot of things in Iowa. The press is just using my words to make me look bad. Why don't you write about how well we expect to do on Super Tuesday if we don't do well in New Hampshire?"

"Is there any one thing you did that turned the voters against you in Iowa?"

"The candidate mentioned President Reagan's name at the Joan Crawford High School in Cedar Rapids. That lost us a lot of votes."

"Have you asked the candidate to refrain from mentioning Reagan's name in New Hampshire?"

"New Hampshire's entirely different from Iowa. The people in New Hampshire don't get mad just because they can't sell their potatoes."

"Is it possible that the candidate's refusal to answer any questions on his role in the Iran-contra affair hurt him?"

"He answered all questions except the one the reporter asked as to why he gave a Sweet 16 party for a moderate ayatollah's granddaughter."

"Why wouldn't he answer that?"

"The candidate never talks about parties he gives for those involved in covert operations."

"If you had it to do all over again, what would you do differently in Iowa?"

"I would have my candidate join the Iowa 4-H Club and encourage him to enter a sow in the state fair. We attribute his poor showing to the fact that many people considered him an Easterner who doesn't know how to milk a cow."

"New Hampshire has cows, too. Any chance of the candidate milking a cow there?"

"No, we're going to show him drinking maple syrup -- straight from the bottle. New Hampshire people, unlike Iowans, aren't dumb. They know the candidate might never have milked a cow, just as they are sure he can't go to sleep at night without having his nip of maple syrup."

"If you do badly in New Hampshire, are you going to be as mad at the citizens there as you are at those in Iowa?"

"I never said I was mad at the people in Iowa. The only thing wrong with them is they vote too early in the election year and don't have time to make up their minds."

"Can we talk about Dan Rather?"

"What do you want to talk about?"

"Does the candidate blame Dan Rather?"

"The candidate feels if Rather had interviewed him one more time, he would have won Iowa."

"Were you surprised at the large turnout of born-again voters in Iowa?"

"No. I was happy to see them because that meant this year's election would become a religious experience, and that's what everyone in this race is hoping for."

"Do you have a new slogan for the candidate?"

"Yes. 'Ich bin ein New Englander.' "