The man who came into my office introduced himself as the Rev. Boomer. He handed me a bumper sticker. It said, "Honk Once for God and Vote Twice for Boomer."
"I'm running for born-again president of the United States," he told me.
"But we already have the Reverend Robertson as the born-again candidate."
"He's a conservative. God wants me to run as a liberal. That way it doesn't look as if He's favoring one ideology over the other. Born-again liberals have the right answer to every problem facing this great country today," the Rev. Boomer said.
"Where do you stand on Armageddon?" I asked.
"It's coming, but unlike the conservatives we believe the government should provide low- cost housing when it's over."
"What is your political strategy?"
"I'm going to take North Carolina on Super Tuesday," Boomer said. "As for Texas, Robertson doesn't have a prayer."
"According to the Reverend Robertson, God is going to support him in Texas."
"You heard that from Robertson -- not from God."
"If God wants you to run so badly why did He wait this long?"
"He didn't think Robertson would become a viable candidate. But after Iowa God got nervous."
"What scared Him the most?"
"When Robertson said the Russians have placed missiles in Cuba. God knows that kind of stuff could get us into a nuclear war."
"The word is out Robertson wants to smite secular humanists, radical militant homosexuals and the Eastern Liberal Establishment. Why?"
"He feels it will help him raise money in Alabama," Boomer answered.
"Tell me," I said, "what makes you think you have a better platform than Robertson's?"
"I'm a more popular TV evangelist. I got a 31 rating and a 40 share on my most recent program. The last time he was on the air Robertson only got a 10."
"Is it fair to throw a man's ratings at him?"
"It doesn't bother me. Another thing, Robertson is always bringing up hurricanes," Boomer said. "He says he can turn one around all by himself. Which proves his elevator doesn't go to the top floor. I think that's why God asked me to get in the race, so people wouldn't take him seriously."
"Reverend Boomer, just because you've been born again doesn't mean you can be elected to the highest office in the land. Robertson has an organization and an invisible army and claims he is in touch with Heaven at all times. He has even referred to the president's seat as 'Yahweh's Oval Office.' How do you match that?"
"I have twice as many volunteers. I have my own PAC and I'm giving biblical acid rain calendars to everyone who sends me $10 before Super Tuesday."
"How does God communicate with you?"
"He leaves messages on my answering machine."
"What is your economic platform?"
"I don't intend to balance the budget -- I plan to heal it."
"With your hands?"
"Of course with my hands. The only one who uses his feet is Jimmy Swaggart."