I don't see Donald Trump as much as I used to. But when I do, it makes my day. The other morning he walked into the coffee shop and took the stool next to mine.
"How is it going?" I asked him.
"I can't complain," he replied. "Are you planning on eating the other half of that English muffin?"
"Why do you want to know?"
"I hate to see English muffins go to waste."
"Be my guest," I said. "I hear that you've got trouble with your wife and the banks."
"Don't believe everything you read. I'm only having trouble with my wife because of the banks, and I'm only having trouble with the banks because of my wife.
"It's all part of doing business. The problem with banks is that they beg you to take their money, and when you do they get mad if you can't pay it back. Are you going to eat all that marmalade?"
I handed it to him. "I'd give you some coffee but I have only one cup."
"It's okay," he told me. "I'll drink out of the saucer."
I then said, "So tell me, Donald, where did it all go wrong?"
"I can only blame it on my good name."
"Why your name?"
"The public begged me to put it on everything.
"Skyscrapers, plazas, Taj Mahals, soccer teams, airlines and heavyweight prize fights. I was within a whisker of their changing New York to Trump City. Everyone said that Trump was on a roll, but something scary happened on the way to Atlantic City. A chartered bus full of little old ladies in tennis shoes broke down outside Paterson, New Jersey. The ladies were coming to the Taj Mahal to play the slot machines, and when they didn't show I started drowning."
"Those women were my cash flow for June."
"One bus-load?" I spluttered.
"It's obvious that you've never seen little old ladies play slot machines in Atlantic City."
Donald was removing packets of sugar from the bowl and sticking them under his shirt.
"You seem to have a sweet tooth," I remarked.
"They're not for me. I'm taking them back to the Plaza for room service."
"Donald, people say your junk bonds are riskier now than ever before."
"Every bond has a likeness of me printed on it, and that's the same as its being guaranteed by the United States Treasury. The reason the public is dumping on me is because they get pleasure out of seeing a billionaire with wit, charm, yachts, private planes and other intangible assets fall on his keister."
The counterman said, "Hey, aren't you Donald Trump?"
Donald answered, "How did you know?"
"You were in here last week and ordered a pot of coffee with 2,000 of those little cream things."
"I always drink my coffee light."
"There was a banker eating here yesterday and he was talking about you," the counterman told him.
Donald seemed pleased. "What did he say?"
The counterman replied, "He said that you gave the best debts he ever had."