Capsule reviews by Desson Howe unless noted.


THE ADVENTURES OF FORD FAIRLANE (R) -- Andrew Dice Clay is the hairy-chested patron saint of the misogynistic worst in man, the kind of Real Guy who makes Undercover Real Guys guffaw secretly behind their wives' backs, or slap their thighs in the protective darkness of the movie theater. For this kind of audience, this absurdist "male" fantasy in which the Diceman plays an ultra-cool rock 'n' roll detective does have its trashy-funny moments. "Hi Ford," says a breathy female voice on Fairlane's girl-overloaded answering machine. "Remember me? I'm walking again. Call me?" But this stuff gets old fast (we're talking minutes) and the Raymond-Chandler-with-a-Stratocaster satire plays one monotonous chord. An investigator who specializes in cases within the music industry, Fairlane must find the disappeared groupie daughter of an old buddy (Gilbert Gottfried), which may provide clues to the mysterious death of a heavy-metal rock star. Along the meandering, investigative way, he runs into rich, sinister Priscilla Presley, sleazy record-label owner Wayne Newton, and Ed O'Neill, as a cop who once had a hit called "Booty Town." Frankly, I've had more fun at the Joyce Kilmer rest area on the New Jersey Turnpike. But for the people who find Dice funny, this will probably be an enjoyable time. It seems entirely appropriate that the movie was directed by Finnish megahack Renny Harlin, the guy responsible for "Die Hard 2." Area theaters.

THE FICTITIOUS MARRIAGE (Unrated) -- This Israeli caper, directed by Haim Bouzaglo, manages to be boring and offensive at the same time. An Israeli teacher (Shlomo Bar-Aba) leads his wife and child to believe he's taking a flight to New York, then sneaks back to a Tel Aviv hotel to have a sneaky, undercover vacation. He enjoys the flirtatious attentions of the attractive desk clerk, who thinks the teacher's her ticket to New York. Then, when a gang of Arab building workers mistakes him for one of their own, he plays along, pretending to be a mute to avoid detection. Now he's got a potential lover at night and a day job playing an Arab. This is what you call a situation. The plot sickens: Next door to the building project, a lonely Israeli woman asks the Arabs -- I kid you not -- to fill in a crack in her wall. After the obvious jokes ensue, the builders draw lots and, naturally, the teacher wins. Of course, this woman is all over him before you can say "Gaza strip." This is also what you call a situation, one which finally ends on a melodramatic note when our extramarital-lovin' hero suspects the Arabs have left a bomb in the swing of a kiddie park. This movie isn't sure whether to insult Arabs, women or moviemaking the most. Biograph.