Oh, hello. I didn't see you come in. I was just resting after a harrowing few hours of celebrating the city and discovering the world. First I drove to Georgetown so I could celebrate overpricing. But my car was towed and I discovered the world of impounding. I ransomed the car and headed toward the monuments, but I missed my turn and got swept along Route 66 halfway to Front Royal. Coming back on the Whitehurst Freeway, I tumbled into a pothole the size of an archaeological dig, and had to take a taxi home. My driver got hopelessly lost in Rock Creek Park; his last words before I got out to walk were "Is not so many forest where I am born."
I suppose "Celebrate the City, Discover the World" is a nice enough slogan, though I preferred: "Washington, I Miss You," obviously a submission from Lorton.
I wish I'd known about the contest. I'd have entered slogans more in tune with the current spirit of the city. Put these on the license plates.
Washington: Keep Low.
D.C. It's Not That Bad.
Bitch Set Me Up.
Discover D.C.: Buy a Cabbie a Map.
Washington: All It's Cracked Up to Be.
Holding Cell on the Potomac.
Land of Sirens.
Live Expensively and Die.
Ski Washington. Snow All Year Round.
Pavement May Crumble, Real Estate May Tumble, but Humidity Is Here to Stay.
911. Please Hold.
Last Stop Before Rehab.
The Nation's Capital: Your Bucks Stop Here.
Gateway to Gaithersburg.
Don't Kill Me.
Honk If You've Tooted With the Mayor.
Stan Parris Doesn't Sleep Here.
Explore 10,000 Potholes.
We're Hot. We're Weird. We're Here.
Bureaucrats Do It Eventually.
Jesse. Film at 11.
I Don't Brake for Lawyers.
Keep Your Pipe in Your Eyeglass Case and Your Eyes on the Road.
My Parents Went to D.C. and All They Brought Me Back Was One Lousy Rock of Crack Cocaine.
911. Still Holding.
We Are Broke. Send Money.
I found it odd that the winner of the slogan contest, Richard M. McWalters, didn't actually reside in the District, but in the Virginia 'burbs. Instead of that free weekend, his prize could have been a house here, so he could feel the thrill of having his property tax raised 22 percent at the same time that his real estate value is dropping off the cliff.
We shouldn't stop with a slogan. We're seeking statehood, so let's have all the official things the other states have. The poppy could be the official D.C. flower. The official D.C. bird can be the night owl. The official D.C. jewelry can be handcuffs.
I'm glad to see we now have an official song, though its lyrics aren't what I might have chosen:
"Come and enter and adventure/ With surprises and delights/ Daytime shops and sights to see/ Entertainment in the night."
I was thinking along the lines of a rap song describing a day in D.C. Just imagine a young man walking down a street, and he spots an elderly man in need of some medical assistance. The song begins after he dials 911:
We're sitting here together and I'm looking askance
Because I can't believe how long it took the am-bu-lance.
We pile into the back and they sit us on the floor
The first stop we make is for Rasheeda Moore.
The driver turns the vehicle toward the open road
But no policemen can escort us 'cause they've been furloughed.
The ride is kind of bumpy, we rock and then we roll
Until we disappear completely in a huge pothole.
I try to coax the car out, I mean I really cajole
And then another five feet we're in a deeper hole.
It's been a terrible day, my life's a total wreck
My bank is NBW -- they couldn't cash my check.
The heat's getting to me, I've got no bounce in my stride
I'm afraid to walk the streets for fear of hom-i-cide.
So I visit my physician, who prescribes an inhalant
But the prescription's stolen by an unknown assailant.
Drug use is common now, nobody seems to abstain
D.C. is supersaturated with the crack cocaine.
I don't know where to go, although I shouldn't tarry.
If I stay out all night I could bump into Mayor Barry.
They ran his picture in the paper when he went to the Bahamas
Seems he conducted city business with the foxy mamas.
He's in his bathing suit, he's sitting poolside with a towel
They bring the phone to him, long distance for the Night Owl.
I really hope the city makes it, hope our problems are soon ending
I'm tired of looking at the mayor from the artist's rendering.
I want the trial behind me, I want the healing to commence
We must return our nation's capital to its prom-i-nence.