Come ye bluenoses, ye prudes, ye busybodies and Victorians. Come ye moralistic meddlers, ye prying puritans and sanctimonious snoops! Our noble work has just begun!

There's much more to censor out there than rap lyrics, art exhibits, photographs and movies.

There's television, and tons of it, and wherever you flick your clicker these days it seems you are greeted by smut, smut and more smut. And not just in the obvious places, either -- the steamy soap operas, the spicy talk shows and those groin-and-bare-it music videos.

No, no, if you look closely -- and we censors love looking closely -- you can find it all over the tube: lustful images, libidinous innuendo, shocking and scabrous Temptations of the Flesh! Why, it's enough to make you run out and buy a bigger TV screen.

Sometimes it lurks under the most seemingly innocent guises. Take, for example, the Doublemint Twins. Yes, the Doublemint Twins -- two very available young women who loll about the landscape until they spy a pair of approaching young men at whom they can flaunt their feminine charms!

Then they lure them off to some unimaginable quadrisexual adventure -- after first letting them sniff and chew their succulent gum!

Even bolder in the gum-running department is the suggestively named Juicy Fruit, whose singing invitation to "take a whiff, pull it out" is proffered to nubile nymphets cavorting about skin-choked beaches in teeny bikinis!

When and where does it end?

The dirtiest commercials are the ones for soap. Oh, the irony! Like that new one, Lever 2000, which advertises its efficacy at cleansing certain unnamed "body parts" and then flashes tantalizing glimpses of those very parts at the camera.

Shampoos, toothpastes, health clubs and soft drinks make similar blatant appeals. They show healthy, voluptuous, attractive young honeybunches romping around in skimpy, filmy, clingy clothing. There's near-nudity, semi-nudity and even here and there a couple of corrupting milliseconds of actual nano-nudity!


I have collected a large number of these commercials on videotape and view them frequently to familiarize myself with the fiendish demoralizing techniques of Madison Avenue fleshmongers. Indeed, the tape has been viewed so many times, it's almost worn out.

That's how dedicated I am!

Elsewhere around the dial, smut thrives, much of it camouflaged as sports. That's right, sports. Have you seen the skimpy outfits worn by track stars, female and male? Nothing is left to the imagination! Aerobics instructors flex and sweat in flimsy leotards, professional wrestlers pull foreign objects from their tights, and baseball players on the open field scratch themselves with abandon.

Those sexy figure skaters show an awful lot of figure. Those nubile swimmers show an awful lot of nube. And how about those cute little teenage gymnasts the East European nations are always sending over here, padded mats and pommel horses flaunted in our faces?

When it comes to licentious bumping and grinding, of course, few can match the gyrating jigglers of Fox TV's "In Living Color" or the vertical seductions of the "Club MTV" dancers. You don't have to have a dirty mind to see the naughty writing on the wall. Of course, it helps.

The list goes on and on. Or it would, if there were more space. Turn on any TV set at any time and you may see it in all its shamelessness, the pulsating hussies and the wanton hunks.

Those sexy vixens on "The Price Is Right" aren't fooling me, either -- fondling all the prizes and undulating past the showcases. Just the other day, I saw one of them recline On A Bed! And on an "I Love Lucy" rerun, Lucy and Ricky were singing "boom chicki boom chick" while they danced to a sultry Latin rhythm.

I guess we all know what was pulsing through their veins!

Yes, the bluenoses and the Victorians and the sanctimonious prudes have their work cut out for them. Rap songs and art exhibits and photographs and movies are only the beginning. If the self-styled censors weren't around to kvetch and carp and view with alarm, who knows what might happen to the rest of us?

We might forget what a filthy thing the human body is. Or what a dangerous thing an open mind.