What's "Funny About Love" is nothing, absolutely nothing. Amore is a sticky thing, more viscous than theater floors, candy apples and dogs in love. And this is a gaggin' spoonful of roses are red and violets are goo-gooey.

Love is never having to say you're sorry, but frankly this lot owes us an apology: director Leonard Nimoy, who must have phoned in his instructions from Spock's coffin; stars Gene Wilder, Christine Lahti and Mary Stuart Masterson; and most especially-wecially, screenwriters Norman "Cuddle" Steinberg and David "Coo" Frankel. They're the ones who thought up stuff like "Your little eggs {we're talking ova} were just right" and "Open those little lippers" and "I've got a billion, jillion hugs and kisses."

Well, I've got a billion, jillion good reasons to avoid "Funny About Love," even if you are not trying to cut back on sweets and Hallmark greeting cards. Foremost, it is a film about yuppies obsessed with making cappuccino and making babies. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes in vitro fertilization. But do they ever just cut out the caffeine? No, they undergo bizarre medical experiments, masturbate into cups and deduce the temperature of his scrotum.

If you've seen "Immediate Family," you've almost seen "Funny About Love." Both are self-pitying tales of baby-hungry couples who encounter Mary Stuart Masterson as a hip young fertility goddess. Wilder, as an infantile political cartoonist, and Lahti, playing a chef who specializes in jicama and free-range chickens, fall blissfully in love, try to have a baby, break up, then get back together again after he has an affair with an insatiable coed (Masterson).

Wilder meets his Lolita when he travels to another movie, or so it seems, to lecture a group of glamorous Gamma Delts. "Thank you for just being there, for breathing the same air I breathe because I couldn't live without you, my love goddesses," he oozes to the sorority girls. Masterson then moves to New York and moves in with poor old -- really old -- Wilder, who comes off as a child molester. But the point is, he's just a widdle boy inside.

Wilder, woebegone throughout, and Lahti, in under her head, are a pleasant enough couple if you like whining, bickering and making up cute. Masterson, one of America's brightest young stars, seems to have wandered in off the set next door, where they were apparently making a movie about coed field hockey. And under the category of thankless tasks comes Susan Ruttan as the hero's father's younger girlfriend. See, it runs in the family.

"Funny About Love" is all over the place and nowhere at all, a meandering, meaningless farce, an insubstantial look at a serious subject. Infertility and the hurt it brings are once again topics addressed from a privileged perspective. Won't it be great when the baby boomers and their infernal biological clocks finally stop ticking?

Funny About Love, at area theaters, is rated PG-13 for sexually suggestive language and adult themes.