With Santa gone, the house a waste,
Here's something with a different taste:
A bulging bag of darts and laurels,
Valiant feats and loathsome quarrels,
Pluck and luck and in-your-faceness,
High ideals and utter baseness.
A year of names at Christmastime.
The meter's running. Let's go rhyme!
Light the White House yuletide arbre!
Dinner's on with George and Barbara.
Set a place for lonesome Doro,
Pour the grog on poor Neil's sorrow.
Jeb and George (the Younger), Marvin,
Pay attention: Poppy's carvin'!
To John Sununu, rantosaur:
Sir, get a life! (We'll say no more.)
Foolscap's best for David Souter
(Who'll go first as justice-suitor?)
Richard Darman's gift's sublime:
A Newt approach? A Paradigm?
For James A. Baker, diplo-man,
Something much discreeter than
The anatomically hale
Chilean doll we've got for Quayle.
Hail to others: Frances Lear,
Arsenio Hall, Yitzhak Shamir,
Michael Dugan, Laura Palmer,
Rabbit Angstrom's fine embalmer,
Harvey Gantt, Patricia Saiki,
Easton Ellis (what a psyche!),
Vargas Llosa, Fujimori,
Burns (for "War"), Denzel (for "Glory!"),
Carla Hills, Jose Canseco,
2 Live Crew, Umberto Eco,
The State Department's Aronson
And Gabby Dick (that's Berendzen),
Shevardnadze, Diane Sawyer,
Bennett, Bob, the ethics lawyer
(Xmas card to Charlie Keating:
"Thank you, but we'll skip the meeting"),
And Bennett, Bill (just what's his angle?),
Plus his favorite gasbag, Rangel,
And Diceman Clay, and Roseanne Barr
And Barry Louis Polisar.
Fake the next verse, ye Vanilli.
It's about your speed -- no, really!
More jingle bells: For k.d. lang,
Bart Simpson, brat, and David Hwang.
Keenen Wayans, Kyle McLachlan,
Harry Evans, John McLaughlin,
Boris Yeltsin, Jack Valenti,
Body Vile (our cognoscenti).
Shoe and tell: Marcos, Imelda.
Fond farewell: Fichandler, Zelda.
Jacksons: Maynard, Bo and Jesse.
Bookmen: Schiffrin, Mehta, Bessie.
Bad guys: Arap Moi, Khadafi.
Shelbys: Foote and Steele and Coffey.
Garagiola, Gumbel, Norville,
Here's to getting out of floorville.
Cheers to Stahl, Kuralt for doppel-
Ganging stalwart "Nightline" Koppel.
Since Turner Ted is Fonda Jane,
We'll hand them nuptial candy cane,
And bones for Millie, author-spaniel.
Noriega? (Labor, Manuel.)
Go we now across the ocean
For some global ho-ho-motion.
Greetings, Kohl and Rafsanjani,
Lech Walesa, Major Johnny,
Kaifu, Salinas and de Klerk,
And Turgut Ozal, friendly Turk,
Plus Havel, Deng and Gorbachev,
And Aristide, the Haitian rev.
There's this thought too -- King Fahd, you're grand
To let our soldiers jam your sand.
(Those guys and gals, for what it's worth,
Are working hard for peace on earth.)
Saddam Hussein? Now just a minute!
Christmas nice must have a limit.
Who will justify Madonna?
Where's a bimbeau for Ivana?
Make a wish for Chung and Povich,
Kevin Costner, George Voinovich,
Jesse Helms and John Frohnmayer
Audrey Moore and Donald Beyer,
Julia Roberts, Patrick Swayze,
Now-repentant P.G.'s Vogel,
Donald Trump, the fallen mogul,
Marla Maples (can she bear it?),
Gilbert Grosvenor, Wilbur Garrett,
Richard Cheney, Colin Powell,
April Glaspie, 'thaniel Howell.
Eugene Roberts, R. Ken Mundy,
David Brinkley, king of Sunday,
Peggy Noonan, Andy Rooney,
And Prime Minister Mulroney.
Mazel tov to Mayor Dixon!
Soon she'll have a better fix on
How, with council chieftain Wilson,
She can lay the bitter pills on.
Use a couple of addresses
For the family in distresses,
Effi, Chris and Marion Barry.
As for 'torney General Terry,
The VMIciest salute;
Same for Wilder, so astute.
Deck the House for Jim Moran,
For making Stan an also-ran,
Tax-free treats for E.H. Norton
(Oversights can be important).
Cheers to Bill and Lois Shepard
Even if they oversteppered,
And to William Donald Schaefer:
Marry Snoops, it's so much safer.
Christmas blessings, Nels Mandela,
Bob De Niro, one goodfella,
Rising son Prince Akihito
(Emp'ror but without a veto),
Katie Couric, Earnest Byner,
Carlos Menem, Robert Reiner,
Lowell Weicker, Wally Hickel,
Lawyers of the Triple Nickel
Assisted by Rasheeda Moore.
And then there's heavenly Queen Noor,
Wrong John Silber, Clayton Williams,
Michael Milken, man of zillions,
Lisa Olson, Kiam-victor
(She's reporting -- don't evict her!),
Ronald Brown and GOPtain Nemo,
Naughty Archbishop Marino,
Chamorro (pres.), Ortega-not,
And Ronald (ret.), First Reaganaut.
Who've we missed? Please don't remind us.
Let's get '90 well behind us.
Happy New Year, you beguilers,
From your dedicated Stylers.