Perturbations, pleasures, and predicaments on the information superhighway:

The Gay and Lesbian Information Bureau, a bulletin board system in Arlington known as GLIB, this month was once again voted one of the nation's 10 best in a readers' poll by Boardwatch Magazine.

Boardwatch is a seven-year-old magazine aimed at decidedly nerdy systems operators. It features such thrilling articles as "Digital Help for Analog Users" and "Hayes Announces V.34 Modems."

But because the magazine has kept up with the explosion of bulletin boards (60,000 or more to date around the nation), it keeps growing in spite of sometimes goofy layouts and rather -- how shall one put it? -- geeky prose.

For three years, Boardwatch has asked readers to rate their favorite bulletin board. And from the start GLIB was rated near the top, rising to No. 3 this year, according to the September edition.

Editors say GLIB consistently wins points among finicky computerheads for having easy telephone access, good chat areas and features such as several hundred mug shots (so users can see photos of some of the folks they're schmoozing with).

It also offers limited Internet access, e-mail and several open-access computers (that anyone can use) at Lambda Rising and Lammas bookstores in the District. All this for free.

"They're doing something right," said Brian Gallagher, a Boardwatch editor. "Service is the thing people are looking for."

Although some people assume GLIB is oriented toward sex, systems operator Jon Larimore insists GLIB is geared more toward community issues and routine techno-type stuff, such as providing IBM and MAC shareware.

"That's a misconception. We're just like anyone else," said Larimore, who runs GLIB as a nonprofit communications system, available free to anyone. "We have a tremendous loyalty and community spirit."

-- Robert O'Harrow

oharrowr@twp.com

GETTING THERE: To check out GLIB, have your modem dial 703-578-4542 with settings at 8N1.

Death by Prodigy Poll

Sixteen thousand Prodigy subscribers had nothing better to do this month than participate in a poll about the defection, after only one season, of actor David Caruso from "NYPD Blue," the popular and acclaimed ABC police action series.

Although Caruso obviously thinks he is making a major career move, the P-nuts don't think so. Asked if they thought Caruso would "become a big movie star," 59 percent said no, and only 23 percent said yes. Thirty-six percent said Caruso's departure from the plot should be "by death."

-- Sandy Rovner

gvyy00a@prodigy.com

GETTING THERE: To subscribe to Prodigy, call 1-800-PRODIGY and order a free start-up kit. Once on-line, jump to Polls, click on Index, click on Listing by Date. Type 09/01/94.

You Are Getting Sleepy ...

The greatest example of alt.sex stupidity is: the Hypnosis Program.

As a joke, Indiana's Steve Salter (ssalter@silver.ucs.indiana.edu) posted to the Internet news group (alt.sex.stories) that he had a "hypnosis program" -- which you cleverly slip onto another person's computer, where it will mesmerize the unsuspecting target; he/she becomes your sexual plaything, bending to your every whim! For weeks after, global village idiots pestered him for copies.

"I must have received over a hundred requests via private e-mail or in alt.sex.stories for a copy of the program," Salter said. He had to publicly post a reply to stem the tide:

"No offense, but get a rather large clue. There is no such animal. That was a joke. I thought it was obvious. How many people out there really want to hypnotize someone secretly? What the {expletive} is wrong with all of you?! What age group are we dealing with here? There is no such program!!! Sheesh ..."

Personally, I'm in agreement with David Romm (71443.1447@compuserve.com) who wrote: "I really like the hypnosis program. It was much better than 'Cats.' "

-- K.K. Campbell

(In Eye Net, the network of Eye Weekly,

Toronto's arts newspaper)

eye@io.org

GETTING THERE: Full issue of Eye available in archive by getting to the Internet and typing gopher gopher.io.org or ftp.io.org or call 416-971-8421.

Found something intriguing, improbable, insane or especially useful on the Net? Tip Karen Mason Marrero (kmarrero@aol.com) or Joel Garreau (garreau@well.com).