Dornan's Mystifying Movie

Presidential candidate Bob Dornan's past proclivities return to haunt him tomorrow night on Comedy Central, when "Mystery Science Theater 3000" airs an incredibly bad movie in which he starred. B-1 Bob first appears as a young Top Gun kinda guy, driving toward an air base in an Impala, the wind almost ruffling his sharp red crew cut.

With hardly any plot, minimal dialogue and zero character development, "Starfighters" (circa 1959) is perfect for "MST3K," which has a cult following. Here's the show's device: Three characters, two of them robots, sit in a darkened theater and keep up a constant patter belittling the film. The Dornan flick opens with a six-minute segment of jets trying to refuel in midair. This gives Crow, one of the show's robots, lots of chances to make sex jokes such as, "Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?"

And what happens to Dornan, who plays the son of a congressman who keeps alerting the Navy to the dangers of a certain plane?

"Actually, nothing," said "MST3K" writer Mike Nelson. "Nothing ever happens. He dates a priggish, prudish woman. And another guy gets in a plane accident, but that's about the extent of the action." Miss America's Conservative Romance

They didn't kiss or hold hands for the first six months they courted. But earlier this month, during a lull in House-Senate budget talks, John McCallum, 25, an aide to House Speaker Newt Gingrich, said he nervously slipped "your basic diamond engagement ring" onto the wrong hand of former Miss America Heather Whitestone, 22.

The couple met in the speaker's Capitol office in March and the timing couldn't have been better, the former Miss Alabama said in today's editions of the Birmingham Post-Herald. Two months earlier she had complained of being "depressed . . . because I had no social life." McCallum, an Atlanta native, introduced himself to Whitestone, posed with her for a picture and then wrote her a letter asking for a date. Several weeks later, he took her to the romantic Washington Hotel rooftop lounge and then on to Red Sage for dinner.

The chaperone of the first deaf Miss America apparently trusted the couple implicitly. Indeed, they maintained a hands-off policy for half a year, Whitestone said, "because I wanted to get to know his heart first." She described him as "a gift of God because he has a really strong relationship with Jesus." McCallum, for his part, offered few details of the romance and would not reveal when or where they would marry and live, or even if Gingrich would be invited to the wedding. NOW YOU KNOW...

Buoyed by Bosnian peace, an ebullient President Clinton dropped by the L.A. Times's Washington bureau party last night and chatted with guests about everything from his rescheduled Jan. 2 Japan trip ("You just don't dis the emperor and empress") to his necktie -- a black silk Camilla Smith cravat awash in multicolored frogs. The little amphibs have been a Clinton favorite since his stepfather used them to illustrate the need for risk-taking and adventure: "You never know how far a frog will jump until you punch him," Clinton said. Sounds like great advice for dealing with Congress.

Martha Stewart went to the White House for her CBS Christmas special. She's doing wreaths for the 50 states. Brought one for the District, a lovely thing, gilded oak leaves, 50 acorns, no representation. Filmed it hanging in the South Portico. Said: "I was so thrilled that our first lady shared her Christmas tradition of wreath-hanging at the White House with us."

Then Martha took the wreath away.

"We had no place to hang it," said Hillary Rodham Clinton spokesman Neel Lattimore. Excuse us? "We have many hungry squirrels outside," he explained. And inside? "We have our own decorating for Christmas."

At last! We've located the woman willing to stand up to Martha Stewart!

Important food news from the American Council on Science and Health: The typical turkey is toxic, carcinogenic or mutagenic. Potatoes contain arsenic, lima beans have hydrogen cyanide (a favorite of the suicidal) and carrots are full of the nerve poison carotatoxin.

Still hungry? Don't worry: You'd have to eat four tons of turkey each day to get cancer. The council, partly funded by the chemical industry, lobbies against "toxic terrorists," said its president, Elizabeth Whelan, "and associated political efforts to end the use of important pesticides."

So Ken Burns did the Civil War. And now Barbra Streisand is doing the Middle East. You were expecting Rob Reiner, maybe? Showtime's "Two Hands That Shook the World" chronicles 50 years of history and the recent efforts toward peace by following the lives of PLO leader Yasser Arafat and the slain Israeli prime minister Yitzhak Rabin, Reuter reported. Both leaders had promised her their cooperation, and Rabin's family will honor that pledge. Murphy Ties One On, Too

Oh, no! It's that tie again! Now Murphy Brown is wearing the rare-books tie so beloved by House Speaker Newt Gingrich. He's not in the story line for Monday's episode, but the CBS sitcom starring Candice Bergen has been known to make sly political jokes from time to time. CAPTION: Clinton, ecstatic; Stewart, on the air Dec. 12. CAPTION: Barbra Streisand, Mideast maven. CAPTION: Whitestone and Gingrich aide McCallum: Altar bound.