36! 24! 36! Hut! Hut!

Just in time for the season opener, a little sexist pig-skin: The Washington Redskins have released a Redskinettes swimsuit calendar.

There's Hedy, all dewy and dreamy as water caresses her cleavage.

And Renee, basking in her leopard-print bikini, her smile staying "fresh through sunset," as calendar "director- choreographer" Donald Wells puts it in the team's summer newsletter.

Ah, if only the Squire, the late Jack Kent Cooke, had lived to see it. This is the first time the Redskins have put out their own pinup calendar. The Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders have one, of course, as do several other franchises.

"Some teams are more market-oriented than others," offers Brian McCarthy of the National Football League's PR office.

The Skins cheerleaders trundled off to Mexico's Playa del Carmen for the shoot, where "the girls worked hard keeping their makeup dry in the intense, hot sun," the newsletter informs us. The Redskins themselves should be so dedicated.

All this sacrifice is devoted to bringing you, the football fan, a "calendar that reflects the spirit, beauty and pride of the First Ladies of Football,' " the newsletter gushes. All for only $9.95. Cooke's grandson Tommy Cooke got to take the girls-in-uniform shots, which are sprinkled among the cheesecake, along with ads for cars, plastic surgeons and a bar.

Hey, isn't it time for a beefcake equity calendar from one of the teams? Not likely, the NFL's McCarthy told The Post's Sylvia Randall. You wanna see the backfield in motion, go to the game. Him-a Culpa, Too

The art of the apology, White House-style, is catching on with President Clinton's staff.

Seems that spokesman Joe Lockhart, the anointed successor to departing press secretary Mike McCurry later this fall, stayed up too late the other night after the Russian summit ended in Moscow. When his wake-up call didn't come yesterday, Lockhart overslept and missed Air Force One as the president jetted off for Belfast.

Stranded in Moscow, Lockhart had to hop a flight on a military support jet to catch up with the boss, reports The Post's Peter Baker. "I take responsibility for my own actions," Lockhart told reporters once he finally arrived in Northern Ireland, tongue planted firmly in cheek. "I deeply regret it. I'm dealing with the people I hurt the most. I'll have nothing further to say about it." NOW YOU KNOW . . .

Sometimes parents can be such a royal pain. When Prince Charles took son Harry to Eton for his first day of school this week, he was a bit anxious that his young scion make a good impression. When it came time for Harry, 13, to sign the exclusive private school's entrance book, Dad coaxed, "Make sure you sign in the right place," perhaps remembering when his elder son, William, botched it three years ago when he enrolled.

The Mr. Showbiz Web site reports that Harry's response to the heir to the British throne was succinct:

"Shut up, Dad."

Arnold Schwarzenegger is suing the Globe tabloid over an article that said his heart was a "ticking time bomb."

Ah-nold had heart surgery in April 1997 to fix a defective valve, and doctors said the action movie superstar and former bodybuilder would be just hunky-dory, Reuters reports. He's asking for $50 million, saying the Globe's story could hurt his career.

"The Globe article falsely and maliciously portrays a man who has built a successful movie career as an action hero as a near-invalid who is at risk of imminent death," Schwarzenegger, 51, said in the lawsuit, filed Wednesday in Los Angeles Superior Court.

The Aug. 4 article, "Arnie's Got Ticking Time Bomb in His Chest," claimed Schwarzenegger was "living in fear that after back-to-back operations on a defective valve, his heart will suddenly quit."

The Globe article also said the tough guy's wife, TV news anchor Maria Shriver, now must "anxiously wait on him hand and foot." QUOTE: "Oh, I don't get into these things, Renaldo." -- Former Nixon chief of staff Alexander Haig, answering Geraldo Rivera's question about whether President Clinton's impeachment is inevitable. CAPTION: Lockhart: "I deeply regret" oversleeping. CAPTION: The princes have a father-son moment at Eton.