Every time I go to a gun show people ask me where I stand on gun control. I stopped by a show last weekend for a quart of milk, a loaf of bread and a six-pack of .45 snub-nosed bullets. The man at the checkout counter asked where I stood on gun control.

I told him, "I have no problem dealing with it. I believe that guns do not kill people--our culture does. People who worry about their kids being killed in school have nothing to fear but fear itself.

"I believe that one of the best solutions our Congress has come up with is advocating the posting of the Ten Commandments in our educational institutions. But I would improve on it by suggesting that the Ten Commandments could not be posted unless Charlton Heston's photograph as Moses accompanied the laws. If this doesn't stop the shooting in America, nothing will."

I told him, "The second cultural item is prayer in school. It makes sense for the prayer-in-school law to be on a gun-control bill because if it is now that easy to buy a gun, the kids should be permitted to pray that it won't be used on them.

"Everyone agrees that movies and television are the main reasons for lawlessness in America. Therefore, we need a czar to decide what films and TV shows can be made. My candidates for czardom are Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell and Jerry Springer.

"Wait--I changed my mind--pistols don't kill people, lobbyists do. The NRA is our true protector of freedom. It has an army of lobbyists who are willing to lay down their lives to make sure you don't have to wait more than 24 hours to purchase a weapon.

"If it wasn't for the money they disburse to politicians, the gun controllers would be running amok, preventing everyone from sleeping with a firearm under his pillow."

I seemed to have passed the test because the man behind the counter threw in an autographed photo of the Lone Ranger with my purchases.

He said, "Be sure to watch the expiration date on your milk carton, or you will get sick to your stomach."