Note to our readers: You are strongly cautioned not to read today's Tony Kornheiser column on Australian beauty Nicole Kidman, which has been rated NC-17 for offensive content and language and for the preposterous notion that Kornheiser could get within the same area code as Ms. Kidman, who'd sooner gouge out her eyes with a melon scooper than look at him.
Kornheiser's editors begged him not to write this column and make a fool of himself with his pathetic slobbering. They reminded him of the scene in the movie "Throw Momma From the Train," in which Billy Crystal plays a college writing professor who is handing back book proposals to his dopey students. He tells one particular nitwit, "Jimmy, you can't write a book entitled '100 Women I Would Like to Boink.' "
Dear Nicole Kidman:
I happened to be walking by a magazine rack the other day, and I couldn't help but notice that you're on the cover of every magazine in the world. I also couldn't help but notice that on many of these covers you failed to put clothes on. An oversight, I'm sure. I sometimes rush out the door and forget my hair. Who can remember everything?
But my point is, as of this week, Nicole, this is your world.
I'd like to be a part of it.
Can you ditch the midget?
I suspect that I am too old for you, too fat for you and too bald for you.
But I'm darn sure I'm not too short for you. At least with me, you wouldn't have to wear flats all the time. Until I start shrinking badly--which shouldn't begin in earnest before September.
On the cover of Esquire, Nicole is wearing what appears to be a brown napkin. On the cover of Rolling Stone, she's wearing a hat. On the cover of Time, she's wearing nothing at all. Last year on Broadway, in the play "The Blue Room," she wore nothing at all. In her new movie, "Eyes Wide Shut," Nicole is wearing nothing at all. Are we beginning to sense a pattern here?
She gives new meaning to the phrase "Dress: Optional."
"Eyes Wide Shut" stinks, I'm sure. It's undoubtedly dark, twisted and perverse--except for the moments when Kidman is on the screen baking cookies for the neighborhood kids buck naked. It was reported that the film's director, Stanley Kubrick, died while editing it. But at 2 hours 40 minutes, it's possible he died while watching it.
No matter. Kubrick will be nominated for an Oscar. And he will probably win because, since he's dead, his acceptance speech won't take very long, leaving more time for Roberto Benigni.
In order to grab an R rating for "Eyes Wide Shut," instead of an NC-17, they had to alter 65 seconds of raw, steamy sex between Kidman and Shorty. (The European version retains those 65 seconds, but the sex is between Jerry Lewis and Shelley Winters.) The process whereby the 65 seconds were altered is called "digital adjustment." You don't say. Which digit was adjusted? And, whose?
Getting back to Nicole, what I admire most is that she says, "I am not an exhibitionist."
No way! If she were an exhibitionist, she'd be naked on the cover of the phone book.
But she is a beauty.
And she is very smart. I sense great depth behind her eyes. I wouldn't be surprised if she has rare insight into the risks and rewards of the "one China" policy.
Oh, please, Tony. You're just saying she's smart to justify your juvenile lust. The truth is, you wouldn't care if she couldn't name three fruits and vegetables that begin with the letter A.
I've read all the magazine pieces that pay homage to her beauty. (Well, okay, maybe "read" isn't the precise word. I may have glanced at a word or two while I was trying to absorb the photos through my large pores. What's your point?) But I read enough to notice that the writers struggled to come up with a perfect word or phrase to indelibly describe how beautiful Nicole Kidman is. I've been a professional writer for 30 years--so don't try this at home--and here is the phrase I've come up with to describe Nicole Kidman's looks: "Better than mine." Her looks are to my looks what Microsoft is to Stan's Hubcap Heaven.
Even women think she's a beauty. My friend Nancy points out that she has a great shape and great legs--unlike the future senator of New York . . . Rudy Giuliani.
(Might I interrupt this ever so briefly to ask a tiny, perhaps indelicate question: Is Hillary Clinton still the first lady? Because she seems to be spending all of her time in New York. What about the rest of us? What are we, Cheese Doodles? We're told that Hillary is "listening" to New Yorkers. So? They can't call her? What, all the pay phones are vandalized?)
Here is my Nicole Kidman fantasy:
We meet. She does not immediately call security.
She falls hopelessly in love with me because I am sensitive, urbane, understated and my friends call me "Meat." Also, I can spell "billabong" and use it in a sentence.
Nicole and I stay together forever, or until she needs an eye tuck and tummy liposuction, and I dump her for a 23-year-old supermodel named Comanche.
Tony, you're 50 years old. Your head looks like one of those painted coconuts they sell in Aruba. Nicole Kidman has Tom Cruise. They make commercials in which they LICK each other. She wouldn't allow her pet IGUANA to lick you. Your fantasy is beyond insane. It's typical of the shallow, appearance-based relationships that men strive for. It's pathetic you even think about Nicole Kidman.
Does Sandra Bullock have any movies coming out?
An uncut European version of this column can be located at www.smokinghotbabe.com