It was reported recently that the U.S. government sold a surplus supercomputer to a private citizen for $30,000. These mighty machines can solve a billion math problems per second and are used for designing nuclear weapons, predicting the weather and playing chess (IBM's Deep Blue). Now, one can be yours for the cost of a Buick (and it takes up less space in the garage). At these prices, a supercomputer could become as common as a four-function calculator. Here, then, are the Top 10 uses for a previously owned supercomputer:

10. That smart aleck with the Scrabble dictionary? He's toast.

9. Electronic date book for guys who consider the Palm Pilot "wimpy."

8. Computing restaurant tip percentage to 200th decimal place.

7. A "heavy" to bully your lazy laptop.

6. Calculating odds on whether online chat partner is FBI agent.

5. Providing mathematically irrefutable answer to spouse's question: "Do these pants make me look fat?"

4. Balancing checkbook. Yours, then the populations of Cleveland, Pasadena and Des Moines, just for the heck of it.

3. Really, really fast access to Internet porn sites.

2. Car security system with tactical nuclear capability.

1. None. Worthless teenage son busted trying to smuggle it into SATs.