Dear Ann:

In response to the request from "Buena Vista," I am sending you my favorite column.

Maggie from Middle America

Dear Ann:

My wife and I will soon be celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary, and although we've been quite happy together, I can't bring myself to tell her something that's been bothering me since our honeymoon.

When we unpacked our things, my wife opened a large suitcase and took out an accordion. "Louise" had never told me that she played the accordion. I was flabbergasted that night as I sat through three recitals of "Lady of Spain" and an old English madrigal with some surprisingly ribald lyrics. Those are the only tunes she knows.

Our social life has always been rather quiet. "Bernice" and "Murray" are our only close friends. They come over quite often, and join Louise in a rousing chorus of "Lady of Spain." Murray plays his head -- that is, he raps his knuckles on his head while opening and closing his mouth, which produces changes in tone. Bernice clacks two spoons together and hums the harmony.

Ann, I've had all I can take. How can I tell my wife that she is driving me crazy?

Had It on Long Island

Please don't blow 30 years of sainthood by losing your temper. Surprise Louise with a dozen accordion lessons and several pieces of sheet music. Sorry, but I can't think of a thing you can do about Bernice and Murray.

Dear Ann:

I am sending a column from the 1960s. I hope it's not too old to print.

Manitowoc, Wis.

Dear Ann:

My husband believes all humans inhabited the earth in the form of animals in a previous life. Our daughter is quite popular with the young men, but I'm afraid her father will drive away any serious marriage prospects.

Every time a fellow comes into our house, my husband looks him over, decides what kind of animal he was in a past life, and then tells him. He said one young man with a narrow face and reddish hair used to be a fox, and that fellow hasn't been back since. Another young man who played football was dark, handsome and powerfully built. My husband informed this chap that he was undoubtedly a gorilla.

According to my husband, I was a squirrel, and my mother was a cow. My daughter is very upset about this, and so am I. What can we do?

Mrs. M.L.

If your husband has held these views for many years, it is unlikely you can change his thinking. I suggest your daughter tip off the young men in advance. Then, her father's pronouncements would come off as less of a shock.

P.S.: Has he confided what he was in his previous life? A jackass, perhaps?

Dear Ann:

I am enclosing a column that must be at least 20 years old, but I still think it's a hoot.

Stroudsburg, Pa.

SHAPE UP, SOPHIE

I took a leg from the table,

I took the back from an old chair,

I took the neck from a bottle,

From the horse I got the hair,

I put them all together with some iron and some glue,

And I got a darned sight better lovin'

Than I ever got from you.

(C) 1999, Creators Syndicate Inc.

To find out more about Ann Landers and read her past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.