On Tuesday, Charles Schulz announced he would stop drawing his beloved comic strip, "Peanuts." As with most comics, the characters of "Peanuts" remain frozen in time, forever children. But if they'd aged, like the rest of us, they'd be in their fifties by now. Here's what we guess they'd be doing:
Charlie Brown: Insurance salesman. Like Willy Loman, he is "liked, but not well liked." Dreams of seeing his Chicago Cubs win the World Series. Dumped Microsoft stock in 1989. Hopes to make comeback as Internet character.
Linus: Southern California grief counselor and self-help author. Hawks "security blankets" on QVC.
Lucy: Self-righteous, screechy radio advice personality. Derides callers with signature line: "You blockhead!"
Snoopy: Long dead. Spent last years at Daisy Hill Retirement Village, angrily gumming anyone who came near. Reputation further tarnished by Woodstock's scathing tell-all.
Little Red-Haired Girl: Looks took her as far as Reno, where she's a cocktail waitress.
Peppermint Patty: Runs Bay Area bookstore called "Womynly Words." She and Marcie are "good friends."
Schroeder: Had one MTV techno hit in early '80s, coattailing on work of keyboardist Herbie Hancock. Follow-up album met with critical disdain. Now an embittered revue pianist on Disney cruise line.
Miss Othmar: Schoolteacher successfully sued tobacco industry for causing throat cancer that made her talk that way.
Sally: Goes by stage name "Pamela Anderson."
Pig Pen: Lack of personal hygiene did not impair career as computer game designer.
Jan. 1, 2000: Living characters reunite on Fox special, except for Little Red-Haired Girl, who claims strip "hurt my career." They observe moment of silence for Snoopy. Then, Lucy holds football for Charlie Brown. Having worked through her hostility issues, she's prepared to let him finally kick the ball. But Charlie Brown falls during run-up to ball and breaks left hip. Cue Vince Guaraldi music.