Keith Sims's Movie Guide'

* We wish we could help Redskins offensive guard Keith Sims with that $7,500 fine for rumbling with Detroit last weekend. We can't. Still, The Source's resident movie critic (who vows to behave in Tampa) delivered some hard-hitting reviews:

* "Any Given Sunday": "An excellent football movie. It was over the top and took every stereotype to the extreme, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. In my 10 years in the NFL, I've run into bits and pieces of every character, from the aging quarterback--I played with Dan Marino in Miami--to the crusty old coach, to the team doctors whose most important goal is keeping the players on the field, no matter what. The only thing I never saw was those huge drug-and-sex parties. Three footballs."

* "Galaxy Quest": "Funny. I liked it making fun of those Trekkies. I do collect 'Star Wars' memorabilia, but I could never stand going to a convention. Sigourney Weaver was hilarious and Tim Allen was great in his role. I had a good two hours and laughed. Comedies are the hardest type of movie to make in my opinion. Three footballs."

* "The Thomas Crown Affair": "This is my video pick. It was as smooth a movie as I've ever seen. Pierce Brosnan stepped out of playing James Bond to give one of his best performances. What a lifestyle! He makes everyone want to be Thomas Crown. Four footballs."

No White Rabbit Tests Either!

PETA activist Grace Slick of Jefferson Airplane fame wants everyone to know that the animal rights group doesn't support the use of human embryos in research. "Reports are going around that they gave money to some group who does experiments on human embryos. This is incorrect," she told us. "The experiments are on cell tissues that are thrown away after surgery and stuff. I'm against tests on animals and human beings. A human being is an animal. It's a big karmic mistake to start [bleeping] around with other beings. If you want to do it to yourself, be my guest. Put a fork in your neck if you want."

The trouble started on Monday after cyperspace conservative Joseph Farah posted a dispatch on his Web site claiming that People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals had awarded a $200,000 research grant to the Institute for In Vitro Sciences in Gaithersburg, plus another $50,000 to a lab in Sweden, to test embryos as "a replacement for the use of rats in lethal-dose poisoning tests for chemicals, household products and pharmaceuticals." Since then, "we've been bombarded by calls from pro-life groups who believe we are funding human embryo research," PETA President Ingrid Newkirk told us, adding that only discarded human tissue will be used in the PETA-funded research. In Vitro Sciences President Rodger Curren confirmed that fetuses are never tested.

Slick, meawhile, said she's living in Malibu "and doing drawings and paintings, all kinds, but right now, for promotional purposes, I'm doing portraits in oil-stick on colored construction paper of Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix and Keith Richards and Mick Jagger and Jerry Garcia. I'm 60, so I'm too damn old to be a rock star. I won't sing anymore, because I don't like old people on rock-and-roll stages. Jagger I love, Richards I love--but it's kind of poignant what they're doing now."

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* Marlene Kent Cooke yesterday got seven days in jail for last year's drunken-driving conviction. D.C. Superior Court Judge William H. Jackson ordered Jack Kent Cooke's widow to report today for an extended weekend stay; she's to complete her time the following weekend. Cooke was also given nine months of probation, which includes an alcohol treatment program, no driving anywhere, 80 hours of community service and a $5,000 fine. Cooke, who is appealing, told the judge: "To me, it's very unfair, this whole thing."

* During her "Late Show" guest shot, David Letterman presented Senate contender Hillary Rodham Clinton with a Poulan lawn tractor. Since she doubled Dave's ratings, maybe he should have sprung for a Rolls-Royce. His writers did pitch in to make the candidate look good. "The Top 10 list was a collaboration," executive producer Rob Burnett told us. "We wrote a bunch of it. Her people wrote a few." And did they also make sure she aced the pop quiz on New York trivia? "Asking me this question is like asking the head of the WWF if they use fake blood," Burnett said. Clinton press secretary Howard Wolfson told us: "We have to figure out a way to get the lawn mower up to Chappaqua."

* Hecht's inventory analyst Valerie Muller thought "Gabrielle" might make a nice middle name for her new 7-pound, 10-ounce baby girl, Alexandra. But the father, software engineer Jim Sorenson, had a better idea: Now the unmarried Lanham couple hope to auction off the naming rights to their baby to the highest corporate bidder. "We live in a dot-com corporate America where many little companies are trying to get their advertising out," Sorenson explained, adding that Alexandra Fedex Sorenson sounds good to him.

* Will he beat the rap? Bad Boy Entertainment mogul Sean "Puffy" Combs was indicted yesterday on weapons charges by a Manhattan grand jury.