To: Mayor Anthony Williams
From: PF Marketing Group ("Ideas?
Re: Resident recruitment proposal
Sir: Congratulations on your second inauguration as mayor of the District, and kudos to you for your bold vision. Your goal of adding 100,000 new residents to the city over the next decade is aces, Mr. Mayor, simply aces.
End of the day-wise, we think you've got the big picture just right -- you stressed the need to build more housing, improve the schools and raise the city's literacy rate. All good. But we think we can help with a few quality-of-life issues. To lure middle-class residents from the suburbs, sir, we suggest the following:
* Proclaim Thursdays as "Half-price parking ticket daze!"
* New offer: Bring in a thousand petition signatures, get $100 off rent.
* Declare Casual Supreme Court Mondays.
* Those broken Metro escalators? Tell yuppies they're "Static StairMasters."
* When the city tows a car, leave a lovely chocolate mint in its place.
* Marion Barry? Stress that he probably won't run again.
* Exploding Manhole Cover Keno.
* Point out that being a leader of the teacher's union can be both a public service and a path to personal riches.
* Speed up subways. Call it Metro: The Thrill Ride. Similarly: Washington Monument, Tower of Terror.
* Unplowed streets? Bottle snow and sell as "organic, free-range precipitation, untouched by mechanical devices."
* People like the riverfront. People like gambling. You see where we're going with this?
* Ambulance sirens play old Marvin Gaye hits.
* Promise to improve performance of the DMV from "beyond pathetic" to "just lame."
* Re-brand P Street Beach. New name: "The Riviera of the Mid-Atlantic."
* Traffic-Circle Bumper Cars.
* Soft-leather calfskin parking boots designed by Manolo Blahnik.
* Security problems? Point out we've got Ashcroft and Ridge.
* Bringing the Expos to town adds 25 players, plus manager and coaches. There. Only about 99,970 to go.
-- Paul Farhi