My fiance, "Doug," just revealed to me that for the past six months he's been using drugs. We've been together almost four years and our wedding is scheduled for next month. We are both in our early twenties.
Doug confessed that he has been using money we set aside for bills to buy drugs. He said he has also stolen money from our best friend for the same purpose.
He came to me on his own to tell me all this. Doug has always been a sweet, caring guy. I love him with all my heart, but I've lost my trust in him. Now I don't know what to do. I can hardly believe this is happening. I still want to marry him, but don't want to marry someone I don't trust. What should I do? I need an answer in a hurry.
Hurt and Confused in Florida
You have just had a peek at what life is like with an addict. Postpone the wedding indefinitely until your fiance has been through rehabilitation and is established in a 12-step program. You may love him -- and vice versa -- but there is a side to your fiance that you're just getting to know. I urge you to be sure he's clean before you make a lifetime commitment.
For the two years I've been married to "John," I have known his parents wished he had married someone other than me. They have never accepted me or tried to get to know me as a daughter-in-law. Family is important to me. All I ever hoped was that they'd give me half a chance.
I've told John how I feel. He has yet to stand up for me. What upsets me is his mom and dad are nice to my face and in John's presence, but when he isn't around they ignore me. It's like I'm invisible.
My husband is in the military. During the past year he has been away on active duty, his parents have never once invited me to spend a holiday or any other time with them. I am always the one to reach out. John is due home next month, and I know my in-laws will try to "make nice" with me for his benefit -- but it's all fake.
If they truly wanted to get to know me, they would have tried while I was alone. (I live less than a mile from them.) I am sad, hurt and angry about the way I've been treated in my husband's absence. I love him more than anything, but my biggest fear is that when we're reunited, my feelings toward his folks will have a spillover effect on our marriage. What can be done, Abby?
Miserable Daughter-in-Law In Norfolk
When your husband returns, impress upon him the fact that his parents never called or invited you to join them in his absence. It's a shame to have to put him in the middle, but these are his parents and if they'll listen to anybody, it's most likely him.
In the meantime, develop other emotional resources with other military families. When a loved one goes on active duty, it's not unusual that those left behind are on an emotional roller coaster. Other wives (and husbands) can appreciate how you feel. Perhaps you can support each other.
My husband and I have been married for six months. A few weeks ago, we gave his parents our house key so they could let a plumber in to fix a water leak. Without asking, they copied our house key for themselves. Although we didn't like it, my husband did not make a big thing out of it.
Yesterday, when we returned home from work, it was apparent that someone had been in our bedroom. The computer was left on. We have learned my husband's parents gave our key to my husband's brother, "Joe," who used our computer to go online to access pornographic sites. My husband has expressed his "disappointment" to all of them -- but I am livid. I feel violated, Abby. What should I do?
Outraged in Ohio
Change the locks on your doors and change the password on your computer. And next time your faucet leaks, ask someone else to let the plumber in.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069.
(c)2003, Universal Press Syndicate