After the success of the best-selling "South Beach Diet," I now present the Martha's Vineyard Diet, the first healthy, all-you-can-eat success story.
I have studied the eating habits of Vineyarders, and this is the result.
For breakfast, you have four jelly doughnuts, an orange smoothie and coffee in a tall container with cream and as much sugar as you want.
The second day you can eat an 18-ounce porterhouse, three eggs and fried potatoes, and drink a banana-and-strawberry smoothie and a bottle of Merlot.
On the third day you can have 12 blueberry pancakes, maple syrup, slabs of butter (unsalted), a strawberry milkshake and a bottle of Mexican beer.
Now go to the scale and notice the difference compared to when you first went on the diet.
Other diet books will tell you there's a difference between good carbohydrates and bad carbohydrates.
The beauty of the Martha's Vineyard Diet is that it doesn't distinguish between the two. People on the island have never met a carbohydrate they didn't like.
Now let's get to lunch. You can start with onion soup followed by a pineapple glazed ham, marshmallow sweet potatoes, lima beans, French bread and a chocolate sundae with cherries and whipped cream on top. You have the choice of white Napa wine or a chilled rose from New Zealand.
Now, dinner is the reward meal that you've been waiting for all day. You can have four vodka martinis or four bloody marys -- unless you're driving, in which case, only three.
The most popular dish on the diet is lobster -- boiled, baked or cooked over a charcoal grill. The key to a great lobster is, you can't put enough butter on it.
In order that you get exercise (a very important part of the diet), you have to crack the lobster yourself. You should eat it with corn on the cob (with lots of butter), baked potatoes (with plenty of butter), French bread (with butter), linguini and a chocolate or strawberry souffle (no substitutes), served with a bottle of French champagne.
This sums up the Martha's Vineyard Diet. If you get hungry between meals, you can always have a bowl of hummus, chicken liver or guacamole on the table. You are allowed to have 40 taco or potato chips.
Whatever you do, do not tell your doctor you are on "the Diet." He will discourage you, even though he's on the diet himself.
People are raving about the diet.
M.L., from Chilmark, writes, "The Martha's Vineyard Diet is the only one that makes my husband happy. Whenever we get tired of lobster, we substitute large, breaded bay scallops with angel-hair pasta and a lemon cream soup. Our married life has changed much for the better."
A.T., from Edgartown, writes, "Your diet is the only one I can put my entire family on. Every day is Thanksgiving Day. One thing the kids love is the Cointreau milkshake. I can't keep enough Cointreau in the house."
B.H., of Vineyard Haven, says, "I learned about the MV diet from Shirley at the fish market. She told me what lobsters to buy and all the other stuff that I needed. She said the entire island is now on it, even when they have clambakes."
I'm giving copies of the diet as wedding gifts to couples who are just starting out in life.
I'm sure the Matha's Vineyard Diet will outsell the South Beach. And ours will be followed more strictly -- particularly in the summer months.
(c)2004, Tribune Media Services