My husband, "Ollie," and I are in our late forties and have been married 25 years. The first five were rocky, but we made it work -- and then the children came along.
Ollie has become so controlling I can hardly breathe. I work 55 hours a week. My only extravagance is buying coffee and a snack and lunch at work a couple of times a week. Ollie demands to know where every penny goes and what I'm "wasting" it on.
Abby, I don't do drugs or gamble, and I'm not a shopaholic. But grocery and household costs have risen. Ollie does none of the shopping, refuses to go with me, and denies that prices have gone up. We are not destitute. He has his own business. I am emotionally drained. He refuses to go to counseling.
The moment I get home in the evening, he starts berating me. Our kids are in high school and usually scatter when he starts yelling. He isn't hitting me, but I feel beaten emotionally. I get a lump in my throat and my chest constricts when I try to figure out what to do. Can verbal abusers become physical abusers? I find myself working longer hours so I don't have to come home, but I'm afraid he'll start on the kids if I'm not there. Should I see a lawyer? Without outside intervention, how can we survive?
Tired of the Battle in Michigan
Yes, verbal abuse can escalate to physical abuse. The stress is taking its toll on you. If it continues, Ollie will survive, but you may not. You feel "beaten" because, emotionally, that's exactly what's happening. You deserve better, but the only person who can make it stop is you.
Your husband will not be thrilled when you finally stand up for yourself, so be prepared. Make a list of his bank accounts, assets, Social Security and driver's license numbers. Then consult an attorney who specializes in family law. Once Ollie has been put on notice that the marriage is over if he isn't willing to get help for his problem, he may be more receptive to counseling. And at that point, you'll have to decide whether you and the children are better off with him or without him. Dear Abby:
Like any other little girl, I have dreamed about my perfect wedding. But now that my boyfriend and I have begun discussing marriage, I realize that I have nobody to fill the spot of maid of honor.
Would it be all right if I asked my older sister (who is already married and is my best friend) to be maid of honor?
Wants Something Traditional
By all means ask her. It's an honor, and I'm sure she will appreciate it. However, since your sister is married, her title will be "matron of honor."
My best friend, "Wanda," is in trouble. We're only in sixth grade, and I don't want her to ruin her life. I found out she is doing drugs. I know Wanda needs help, but I don't know where to start.
Should I tell her I know? I think the first step to helping her is to get her to admit she has a problem. Am I right?
Concerned Friend in New Jersey
Admitting one has a problem is the first step in helping ONESELF. If you try to get her to admit she has a problem, the first thing she will probably try to do is deny it.
Your first step to helping Wanda should be to tell your mother what you have learned. It is important that your friend's mother know what her daughter is doing, so she can have the girl tested and find professional help for her. Do not put it off.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069.
(c)2004, Universal Press Syndicate