The latest news about Saddam Hussein: He's in a jail, being given three healthy meals a day and is allowed to garden, read books and write poetry.

These are the verses I think he would write. They're called "Husseinku."

Allah is good,

Allah is merciful,

Allah kills worms in my garden.

My two sons are gone,

Gone to heaven.

Does that mean we can't win the Olympics?

If I killed any Kurds

It was for their own good.

Poison gas is cheap.

People say I am evil,

People say I am bad,

But why do people hate me?

It will take two years to try me.

Not to worry,

I will plead insanity.

If I don't have a hung jury,

I will get my people

To hang the jury.

The Red Cross brings me shaving cream,

The Red Cross bring me Marlboros,

Yet they know I smoke Camels.

I am happy because

Although I am here

My money is in Switzerland.

Osama is still free.

If he turned himself in,

He would get three hot meals a day.

My prison guards are soldiers

Who keep looking at me

To make sure I am me.

My wives don't come to visit me.

If they get married again,

I won't give them child support.

I don't believe in women's rights,

I don't believe in same-sex marriage.

Call me a conservative.

I miss my shotgun,

I miss my pheasants,

I miss my bodyguards who miss me.

They won't let me be on TV.

Who can it hurt

But Larry King?

When I die, 72 virgins wait

For me. It will be hard to remember

All their names.

I am willing to do community

Service, as long as it doesn't

Hurt my back.

They tore my statue down.

It wasn't me. It was

One of my doubles.

I am a prisoner of war.

They can't yell at me

Or make me take off my clothes.

I can't spit on Iran,

I can't spit on the U.S.

I am in a no-spitting zone.

Give my regards to Kuwait,

Say hello to Mosul Square.

Tell the boys I will soon be there.

After killing a spider,

I feel better because

I have killed before.

The sand blows in my face.

Bush can't find my weapons,

So he just sucks on hard candies.

Saddam Hussein also writes books. He lives a good life -- and that is why we invaded Iraq.

(c) 2004, Tribune Media Services