My husband, "George," and I have been married a year and are expecting a baby. I recently discovered that he has been viewing gay pornography every day for months on our home computer. I have tracked it using the history file, and finally confronted him.
George says it is just curiosity and that he is not gay or bisexual. He says he has never been with a man, nor would he want to. George did admit he has been viewing those sites for about three years.
This has left me feeling betrayed and questioning my husband's sexuality. How can a churchgoing, married man who's expecting a baby, who appears normal and heterosexual, be viewing gay pornography Web sites daily?
Trusting in Texas
Because he finds them interesting and exciting and is getting something out of it. Bear in mind that being gay does not prevent a person from being religious, married, virile (or fertile), or "normal" in appearance. Your husband may be so deeply closeted that he hasn't even admitted to himself that he's gay. Your next move should be to insist that you and your husband consult a marriage counselor.
When I was in high school, I was sexually assaulted by my boyfriend of 18 months. It took me many years to forgive him. However, I don't think I ever forgave myself.
Now that I am in college, I can't bring myself to date. Every time I am asked out, I use any and all excuses I can come up with. It terrifies me that someone will betray my trust again. If a guy shows the slightest interest, I run away and cut off contact until he stops. I have never told anyone about what happened in high school because I thought they would blame me. Please help me -- I'm so confused.
Ashamed and Afraid in Colorado
I'm sad to say that rape is one of the most underreported crimes, and for the very reason that stopped you -- the victim fears that she (or he) was somehow to blame. The victim is never to blame! The quickest way to start the healing process and move forward with your life would be to arrange to talk to a mental health professional at the student health center. Do not put it off. The time to deal with this is now, while help is close at hand. No one will blame you. Please trust me and make the call NOW.
I went to wake up my 14-year-old daughter today and discovered her sleeping in the nude. Apparently she has been doing it for some time. Normally she is good about getting up, and I haven't needed to enter her room to waken her. When I asked her why she does it, she said it's more comfortable and she sleeps better.
When I told her I was not comfortable with it, she asked me why, and frankly I could not come up with a good reason other than it seemed "wrong," and fear about what would happen in an earthquake or fire. She questioned how it could be wrong if no one knows -- unless they walk into her room without knocking (as I did). She keeps a long robe next to the bed so she can put it on in case of emergency. (Indeed, she walks around the house in that robe, and I thought she had a nightgown underneath when in fact she has been naked underneath since Christmas.)
I am still not comfortable with it, but we agreed to abide by your advice. Is it okay for her to sleep in the nude, and why -- or why not?
Worried Mom in San Leandro
There is nothing inherently wrong with sleeping in the nude. Many people do so because they sleep more comfortably that way. Look at the bright side -- it makes for smaller loads of laundry.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069.
(c)2004, Universal Press Syndicate