Ihave listened to everybody, talked to everyone, and today I will face the moment of truth -- I will go into the voting booth and decide who will best run the country, or at least screw it up the least.

The choice is the most difficult one I have made in my life. Here is why.

President Bush says he has never made a mistake, and since he is my president I have to believe him. He also admitted he listens to God before making a decision. When he does, he has God's blessing. Scary.

Sen. John Kerry is going to see that everyone has a health plan and that everyone gets the Social Security they are entitled to when they reach retirement age -- no matter what it costs. Kerry also believes in God, but can't take communion because the archbishops are mad at him. So he has announced that if elected president, he will make all the decisions on his own, without God's help.

The country is reeling from a shortage of flu vaccine. Bush says he is not going to get a flu shot. I think it is a brave thing to do but dangerous, because if I am ever invited to one of his fundraisers, he could sneeze on me.

Kerry blames the shortage on Bush since, as commander in chief, he should have known about it and had Halliburton make the vaccine on a no-bid contract.

What to do?

Do I vote for the one who wants to stay the course or the one who wants to change horses in midstream?

I know that both of them have my best interests at heart. How do I know it? They told me so, not once, but hundreds of times.

To make up my mind, I watched all of the commercials -- those approved by the candidates and those that were put on the air without their knowledge (wink, wink).

The ones for Bush told me everything I wanted to know about Kerry, and the ones approved by Kerry told me what a disaster the president has been.

The ones that neither of them approved (wink, wink) were the ones that hit below the belt. I couldn't believe that draft dodging, Swift boats and flip-flopping were shown on TV to help me make up my mind.

What put me in a swivet was when Bush told me I could have a tax cut and then I was also promised a cut by Kerry. But the senator said people who make more than $200,000 a year couldn't have one. Take note that I am not in the elite tax bracket (The Washington Post and my other papers don't pay that well).

Maybe I should just toss a coin. I read that many voting machines won't work today, so perhaps no one will know whom I voted for.

Then I thought of something. Instead of voting for a president, I could vote for whom I want to be my first lady. Both candidates have said they couldn't do without their wives. Laura Bush and Teresa Heinz Kerry would make great first ladies, because like most wives, they make all the important decisions. Furthermore, Bush and Kerry said at the end of the third debate that they love their wives. Every American wants a president who loves his wife and is not afraid to say it.

So here I am on Judgment Day -- HELP!!!!

(c) 2004, Tribune Media Services