Dressed to Distress

We're sorry, ma'am, but if you don't remove that ill-fitting jacket, the camera will break. Several women in Washington became unwitting recipients of a makeover yesterday, courtesy of the TLC reality show "What Not to Wear."

Host Clinton Kelly told The Post yesterday that he and co-host Stacy London were in town to find the "worst-dressed woman on the rise" and "worst-dressed woman in government." Participants were nominated by a friend or family member, secretly filmed, given a makeover, then judged at Charlie Palmer's Steakhouse on Capitol Hill.

So how does Washington stack up fashion-wise with the rest of the country? According to Kelly, the city isn't the worst he's seen, but "just like everywhere, people could use help."

However, this fashion expert isn't letting us off so easily: He said Washington is "the pleated khakis capital of the world."

And ladies, you're not off the hook, either: "There's a tendency in D.C. for women to look a little frumpy." He added, "I'm seeing women wear opaque hose and it's 90 degrees outside! Let it breathe down there, ladies!"

Winners in the show -- he won't reveal who they are -- each received $5,000. Kelly said the women can spend the cash on whatever they want but, "hopefully it will go toward some better clothes." The show will air in September.

Speaking Up in the Library

When all else fails, market! Paula Jones plans to visit the William J. Clinton Presidential Library in Little Rock later this month wearing a T-shirt that bears a paid sponsor's name.

Publicist David Hans Schmidt told The Post yesterday that his client is mulling over offers from "several major companies," including two casinos. "We had a brothel call us, but we're not interested." Her reason for the trip? "She is fully responsible for the impeachment of Bill Clinton," he said. "She should have a rightful place in that library."

Jones, a former Arkansas state employee, entered the national spotlight in 1994, when she came to Washington and held a news conference to claim that President Clinton sexually harassed her in 1991. She sued the president four years later and was eventually awarded $850,000 in a settlement, but she says all but $151,000 went toward legal fees.

Schmidt is quick to note that his 38-year-old client has no ulterior motives, but said, "Bill Clinton has made how much money every time the guy walks up to a podium? C'mon!"

Is this shameless self-promotion or simply a matter of asking for credit where it is due? As Clinton himself once said, "It depends on what the meaning of 'is' is."

End Notes

* We wonder if someone wrote "Wash me" on the trunk lid. First lady Laura Bush and daughters Jenna and Barbara arrived at the airport in Gaborone, Botswana, yesterday in a dirt-caked Chevy Suburban -- a far cry from their usual spiffy-clean transportation. Wall Street Journal reporter Christopher Cooper told The Post yesterday that the vehicle looked like it had been used for safaris over the weekend: "It had a lot of dust all over it." He added, "I think it was black."

* Now this is important stuff. John Stamos, Kelsey Grammer and Jim Belushi took part in a Disney poll that revealed that 20 percent of 45 surveyed actors, musicians and athletes identify with Goofy over other Disney characters. Fifteen percent of 8,000 consumer respondents agreed and selected the floppy-eared figure as the one they relate to most. The survey also showed that pop singers Avril Lavigne and Ashanti know the lyrics to "It's a Small World." The poll was conducted by an independent research firm hired by the Walt Disney Co. in honor of Disneyland's 50th anniversary July 17.

-- Compiled by Korin Miller

from staff and wire reports

"What Not to Wear" hosts Stacy London and Clinton Kelly try to make over Washington.Paula Jones plays the library card.The Bush twins, hitting the dusty trail in Africa.