Engineering 382, Setting Up Ikea Stuff: Students will learn to piece together a particle board coffee table using an Allen wrench (provided) and a diagram consisting of dotted lines and arrows but no words. Prerequisite: Lego II.
This week's contest was inspired by Don Troop of the Chronicle of Higher Education, who told the Empress of a British college that was offering a class in "assembling flatpack furniture." Your challenge: Come up with a comical college class, along with a description for the course catalogue.
Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a clear plastic container full of . . . well, the label on the front is all in Japanese except for "Cat." But the back label reassures us that it is "prepared dry fish bone" ("Ingredients: Fish Born, Sesame Sugar . . .) and indeed it seems to be a bunch of shiny dried little bony fish slices with sesame seeds stuck to them, and intended for human consumption.
Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to email@example.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 12. Results will be published Oct. 2. Put "Week 626" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Entries are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Deborah Guy of Columbus, Ohio.
Report from Week 622, in which we sought additions to the U.S. Constitution that were composed of words already found in the original document and its amendments (capitalization could be changed). It seems as if half the entrants suggested "Congress shall make no law." Some enterprising Losers noted that the Constitution includes the names and states of the 39 signers (beginning with "Go Washington").
Third runner-up: No person of excessive tonnage shall remove his jersey at a public event. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)
Second runner-up: Congress shall make no laws that direct people to work out with weights and engage in regular body training. We the People are no longer into the exercise thing. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
First runner-up, the winner of the Snake Wine containing a whole snake: No persons shall in all cases be given what they do desire but, upon trial, at times may be informed that they shall receive that for which they be needful. -- M. Jagger (Russell Beland, Springfield)
And the winner of the Inker: Those persons resident in the District are second-class, inferior citizens. But they have the right to death, taxes and post offices.
(Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)
Attendance at party conventions shall be for intoxicating liquors, sex, disorderly behavior and the choice of a president and vice president, in that order. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)
When a male and his date are to go to a party or other event, particularly one with an appointed time, if his date should redress more than three times, he is within his rights in going alone. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
No president shall be subject to impeachment for exercise of a disorderly member. -- W. J. Clinton,
New York (Fred S. Souk, Reston)
Congress shall have the power to void the laws of the state of Georgia (under the section entitled "crimes against nature") that deny the right of any citizen, and particularly a citizen by the name of Rufus Dobbs, to engage in sex with a bear, notwithstanding the fact that one such bear has granted consent, is of age, and has not been given any intoxicating liquors for at least a few days. -- R. Dobbs, Stone Mountain, Ga. (Chris Doyle)
Between September and December, it shall be prohibited to call any holding penalties against the Washington offense, in that they just cannot control themselves. (Brendan Beary)
No person when called shall declare, "Press number one, press number two, press number eight," or act in like manner. (Marty McCullen)
Congress shall make no law abridging the right of people to have sex whenever they desire and with a hundred persons at the same time if they care to at, like, a private party or whatever. -- P. Hilton, New York (Chris Doyle)
A person being considered for Supreme Court justice will be required to have no preference in regard to most things. In fact, each judge shall, on at least six cases, declare his sole opinion to be: "Whatever." (Brendan Beary)
After this date, no one ever engaged in the work of acting shall be president. One was sufficient. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)
Both houses of Congress shall open each session with the following declaration: "The Lord has delivered His blessings on the United States of America and on the Republican Party." Members who think this unreasonable are hereby directed to go have sex with themselves. -- Ann Coulter, Washington (Chris Doyle)
When two persons (one of each sex) have had congress for the first time, the male shall be required to call by the next day, or his date is free to declare in public that the sex was inferior, and his member was smaller than most. (Brendan Beary)
Those persons who purchased a Geo should have reconsidered.
(Katherine Hooper, Jacksonville)
The president may enjoy sex in the office, but if he is found out, he is out on a limb. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)
The president and members of Congress shall remove their heads from their business end.
(Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick)
Until such time as our party is not in power, Representative DeLay has a free pass for all crimes, misdemeanors and felonies but treason. He will also define what may or may not constitute treason. We trust him. Actually, we have no choice. (Brendan Beary)
If any person should be required to answer the call of nature without the proper papers, particularly when sitting for number two, that person shall be granted the right to subject the previous person to cruel and unusual punishment.
(Mark Hagenau, Derry, N.H.)
In order to promote a more perfect body, the President shall have power to disparage the condition of the corpus of any member of Congress.
(Deb Parrish, Fairfax Station)
The New Age Congress shall convene in a State of Tranquility and remain tender and reserved, with all members respecting each other and being on good behavior. The punishment for impairing this peace is death.
When engaged in sex, neither party shall raise the issue of who will pay the water bill. (Kyle Hendrickson)
Underage sex is hereby prohibited, given that we are way older now.
Any appropriation / For roads or transportation / Shall be for needful erection / And not just for election.
The term "more perfect" shall have unanimous acceptance whatsoever the people think. So there. (Russell Beland)
One divided by three shall equal appoint three three three three in all states of the Union except Kentucky, where it shall equal appoint three.
(Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)
Congress shall try writing a few laws that people may actually have the ability to read when they are sitting on the john, as is going on right now. (The writing, that is, not the sitting.) (Chris Doyle)
Anti-Invitational (using only words not found in the Constitution):
Privacy? Abortion? Church separation? Equality? Sexual orientation? Hah! Look again. -- New Supreme Court, Washington
In that we in Congress are concerned for the people who continue to enter this Washington Post thing just to have their name published in the papers, we hereby direct that they do themselves a favor and try to have an actual life from now on.
And Also Last:
No title of nobility, such as King, Prince or the like, shall be granted -- except by the Post on Sundays in one section.