If Lance Armstrong married Peter Boyle, would he be Lance Boyle?

If Condoleezza Rice married Howard Fast, would she be Minute Rice?

The Empress decided on this week's contest after hearing from two Losers: Deborah Guy of Columbus, Ohio, remembered this type of joke from "Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In" in the 1960s and '70s and figured it was time for an update, as in the examples above. And then we received an e-mail from one Mary Cronin Cherry, who, you will agree, is the World's Most Patient Person, someone who makes Job seem like an overcaffeinated finger-drummer. Mary won an honorable mention and she was wondering if we'd sent her prize out yet. It turns out that she got her Invitational ink for Week 54 -- whose results ran April 14, 1994. And guess what the contest was! Mary's entry: If Heidi Fleiss married Everett Koop, you'd have Heidi Fleiss Koop. Mary, you get a magnet if you remember to send us your address. Everyone else, now it's your turn: "Marry" or otherwise combine famous names and supply the result. Names that have gained prominence since 1994 would be nice, but you can use older ones, too.

Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a package of authentic Jamaican Grace{+T}{+M} Cock Flavoured Soup Mix (Spicy), bought at Giant by Peter Metrinko of Chantilly, plus some cherry-flavored wax lips.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 3. Results will be published Oct. 23. Put "Week 629" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Entries are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield.

Report from Week 625, in which we asked you to come up with an alternative plot for an actual movie title: Dozens of Losers ventured that "Casablanca" was about the household of the first Hispanic president, and that "A River Runs Through It" was a travelogue of New


{diam}Third runner-up:

The Whole Nine Yards: Kirstie Alley's instructional video on making a miniskirt. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)

{diam}Second runner-up: Baby Makes Three: A new mother finds something really, really disgusting in a used diaper. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

{diam}First runner-up, winner of the book "Change Your Underwear Twice a Week:

Lessons From the Golden Age of Classroom Filmstrips":

White Men Can't Jump: Three-year-old Bobby Fischer learns the rules of chess.

(Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick)

{diam}And the winner of the Inker: The Asphalt Jungle: In this series finale, Tarzan suffers his untimely death. (Kevin Jamison, Montgomery Village)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

The Magnificent Seven: Aftermath of a nuclear disaster, starring Dolly Parton. (Gordon Jones, Draper, Utah)

Garfield: The Movie: Oliver Stone finds another presidential assassination conspiracy. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea: The story of Louisiana's fight to save its community baseball fields. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

She's All That: After a suicide bombing, forensic investigators have lots to piece together. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Yojimbo: A daring new chapter in the enduring saga finds Rocky Balboa going back in time to defend President and Dolley Madison from the invading British. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)

Silent Running : A mime, frustrated by the government's refusal to support his endangered art, launches an unusual campaign for public office. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.)

Gone in Sixty Seconds: A documentary on America's recent budget surplus. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

The Shawshank Redemption: Michael Moore's film about a man who finds a coupon for a free shawshank in his Val-Pak and his struggles with Corporate America to redeem it. (Pete Hughes, Alexandria)

She Wore a Yellow Ribbon: The owner of a small-town strip club finds a loophole in the city's anti-nudity law. (Russell Beland)

You've Got Mail: King Arthur convenes the Knights of the Round Table. (Charles Mann, Baileys Crossroads)

The Big Easy: The Mae West Story. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)

The Exorcist: A woman with poor English skills becomes an aerobics instructor. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.)

Sorry, Wrong Number: Barbara Stanwyck portrays a tough-as-nails heiress who, day after day, fails to win the lottery. (Matthew Cole, Northfield, Minn.)

I Know What You Did Last Summer: An IRS agent pursues a lifeguard over undeclared poolside earnings. (Steven King, Oakton)

Chariots of Fire: In ancient Rome, a cartwright's wagons explode when pulled by pintos. (Brendan Beary)

Fantastic Four: A man tries to convince women that it's not the size, but what you do with it. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park; Tom Witte)

Around the World in 80 Days: The story of the world's slowest hooker. (Steven J. Allen, Manassas)

Gladiator: The true confessions of Hannibal Lecter. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis; Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

The Rocky Horror Picture Show: A Sly Stallone retrospective. (Russell Beland)

Stand By Me: The story of a man who always gets discount airline seats. (Russell Beland)

Maria Full of Grace: A gruesome tale of cannibalism in a small-town convent. (Katherine Burke, Washington)

Spring Break: A child is traumatized when his beloved Slinky rusts out. (Tom Witte)

Total Recall: Poisoned wheat flakes kill hundreds as a cereal killer strikes. Only complete regurgitation can stave off death. What did you have for breakfast? (Martin Bancroft, Ann Arbor, Mich.)

The Bad News Bears: The Berenstain family goes to Iraq. (Erika Reinfeld, Medford, Mass.)

March of the Penguins: An enthusiastic young basketball coach inspires little Youngstown State to reach the Final Four. (Pam Sweeney)

Groundhog Day: The folks from "Deliverance" celebrate Thanksgiving. (Michelle Stupak)

Miracle on 34th Street : A house in Georgetown actually sells for under a million dollars. It is, however, only six feet wide, having been a stable up until 1904.(Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

This Is Spinal Tap: Part 3 of the successful documentary series, on the heels of "This Is Goiter Removal" and "This Is Colon Irrigation." (Russell Beland)

The Green Mile: A rival team sabotages a track meet with food poisoning. (Peter Metrinko)

The Last Temptation of Christ: The story of the man who ran the dessert cart at the Last Supper. (Art Grinath)

The Man Who Knew Too Much: Gov. George W. Bush realizes that the American voting public is put off by smarty-pants officials. So he begins a crafty campaign to make himself look less intelligent than the average voter. (John Shea)

Northwest Passage: The D.C. neighborhood clash over Klingle Street access culminates in a hilarious quiche fight. (George Vary, Bethesda)

The 40-Year-Old Virgin: Chef Tell is pressured to uncork his final bottle of rare vintage olive oil. (Ryan Poston, Florence, S.C.)

Twelve Angry Men: Chaos ensues when budget cuts force a small town in Nebraska to drop the Drummers Drumming from the Christmas pageant. (Bill Thompson, Columbia)

An American in Paris: The biggest Internet porn video of 2003. (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.)

Return of the Jedi: In Part 1 of an epic trilogy, the patriarch of the Clampett clan leaves Beverly Hills in a journey back to his ancestral homeland. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville)