"I like to decorate the instructions in the airplane seat pocket."

"When my brother makes me mad, I spit in his shoes."

"I threw out your thongs because you're too fat."

This week's contest: In the pleasant Washington suburb of Germantown, there's a man named Frank Warren, who has a document-delivery business and an unusual hobby: He keeps a Web site called PostSecret.com, to which people send anonymous picture postcards containing . . . their personal secrets, including those above. Frank then, of course, posts them for all to admire. Send us some original secrets (they don't have to be true, as Frank requires for his actual "group art project"), and the Empress will post the most interesting -- at least the printable ones -- right here for all to admire. Just the text is fine; you don't have to make a postcard. But if you're inclined, you can compose a postcard with original, previously unpublished art, and we'll print a couple of the best (they'll be in black and white). Send them either by mail or digitally to the address below.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives the excellent book "Fonging for the Soul," which delves into the co(s)mically spiritual practice of hanging an oven rack from your fingers and then sticking said fingers into your ears while others tap the rack with kitchen utensils.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com , by fax to 202-334-4312 or by mail to The Style Invitational, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 31. Results will be published Nov. 20. Put "Week 633" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Entries are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest was suggested by Joseph Romm of Washington. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village.

Report from Week 629, in which we asked you to "marry or otherwise combine famous names and supply the result." Yeow, if The Post could run a paid marriage announcement for each entry submitted for this contest, the Empress might be able to stop issuing prizes she finds in the wastebasket. The Steal Invitationalists were out in force this week, with a shocking number of them submitting, under their own names, the chestnut that if Tuesday Weld married Hal March Jr., she'd be Tuesday March the Second. For one more bleepin' time, folks, do not send us a really great joke you've heard! We are interested only in really great jokes you've come up with yourself.

{diam}Third runner-up: If Ewan MacGregor married James Watt and then Dick Armey, would he be Ewan Watt Armey? (Chris Doyle, Kyoto, Japan)

{diam}Second runner-up: If Tyra Banks married Harrison Ford, she'd be the model T. Ford. (Michael Baker, Columbia)

{diam}First runner-up, winner of the special Jamaican soup mix: If Glenn Close married Bob Seger but didn't change her name, would she be Close, but no Seger?

(Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)

{diam}And the winner of the Inker:If Ivana Trump, Samantha Bee, Lorna Luft and Oksana Baiul formed a matchmaking firm, it would be Ivana Bee Luft Baiul.

(Marcy Alvo, Annandale)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

In the infinitely unlikely event that Andre Agassi were to marry Pope Benedict XVI, would he be known by the nickname of Ags Benedict? (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

If Michelle Wie married Prince William, she'd be the royal Wie. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)

If Irish dancer Michael Flatley partnered with Sandra Dee and Louis Nye, they'd get a lot of government PR work as Flatley Dee Nye. (Jane Auerbach,

Los Angeles)

If Yo-Yo Ma married Yasir Arafat, would he be Yo Ma Arafat? (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)

If Polly Bergen married Cotton Mather, they'd be a Cotton-Polly blend. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

If Ram Dass, the Dalai Lama and Paris Hilton had a threesome, would they be Ram-Lama-Ding Dong? (Michelle Stupak)

If Carmen Electra married Alonzo Mourning, would Electra become Mourning? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

If Noah Wyle married James Watt and then Idi Amin, he'd be Noah Watt Amin. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

If Calista Flockhart married Tom DeLay, there'd be a slight DeLay. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

If Robin Wright Penn and Fred Gwynne had a daughter named Marjorie, would she be Marge of the Penn-Gwynnes? (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick)

If Anna Kournikova married Martin Mull, Stepin Fetchit, Edwin Hubble, Bobby Orr, Delaware Gov. Ruth Ann Minner and Brett Hull, she'd be Anna Mull Fetchit Hubble Orr Minner Hull! (Chris Doyle)

If Tiger Woods married Jeremy Irons, would they be a Full Set?

(John Held, Fairfax)

If Mary Tudor married Tom Mix, would she be Bloody Mary Mix? (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

If Billy Crystal married Tristam Shandy and then King Lear, would he be Crystal Shandy Lear? (Judith Cottrill, New York)

If Ellen DeGeneres married Amanda Plummer, wouldn't that be ironic?

(Brendan Beary)

If Sandra Day O'Connor married Gerald Ford, would she be Sandra Day Tripper? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

If Clayton Moore got together with the Dalai Lama, he'd be the Koan Ranger. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

"Will she keep her, um, last name?" we worried at the wedding of Henry VIII and Edith Head. (Brendan Beary)

If Briana Banks married David Duke, she'd be Briana Cracker. (Seth Brown)

If Nikita Khrushchev married Elisabeth Shue, would he bang her right there on the table? (Brendan Beary)

If Alice Cooper married Garry Trudeau, Keye Luke, Larry King and Philip Glass, would he be Alice Trudeau Luke King Glass? (Chris Doyle)

If Frank Oz married Sen. Pat Leahy and then President Hu Jintao, he'd be Yoda Leahy Hu. (Mike Fransella, Arlington;

Stephen Litterst, Ithaca, N.Y.)

If Ruby Dee married the Keystone Kops, she'd be Ruby Slippers. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

If Chynna the wrestler married Bill Gates, would she be Burly Gates? (Tom Witte)

If Isabella Rossellini married Joseph Campanella, would she be Isabella Ringing? (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

If Michael "Brownie" Brown married Squeaky Fromme, he'd become Mr. Squeaky Fromme, to lessen the opprobrium. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

If Sharon Osborne married Robert Sherrill and then Dwight D. Eisenhower, she'd be Sharon Sherrill Ike. (Jonathan Groner, Washington)

If Lorena Bobbitt married Ashton Kutcher and then Randy Johnson, she'd be Lorena Kutcher Johnson. (Mary Cronin Cherry, Fairfax)

If Uma Thurman married Monty Hall, would she be Monty's Uma? (Ben Schwalb, Severna Park)

If Levi Stubbs of the Four Tops married Brad Pitt, he'd be a Pitt's Top. (Robin Grove, Woodbridge)

If Don Ho married Heidi Fleiss, she'd be Heidi Ho -- not to mention Heidi, Ho. (Glenn Smoak, Reston)

If Tony Soprano married Tommy Tune, would they both end up in Sing Sing? (Jeff Covel, Arlington)

If Kim Cattrall and Carol Alt opened a sandwich shop/cyber-cafe, would it be called the Cattrall-Alt Deli?

(Kyle Hendrickson)

If Woody Allen divorced his current wife and married Mia Farrow, that would be just too weird. I mean, marrying your ex-wife's mother, how sick is that?

(Russell Beland)

If Lindsay Lohan married me, the fact that her name would sound like wood preservative would be the last thing on my mind. (Chris Doyle)

If Shania Twain married Mark Twain . . . nah, they'll never even meet.

(Kyle Hendrickson)