Dear Amy:

I have always considered myself open to diversity and open to people in general.

I have a good, strong relationship with my daughter. But she has thrown one at me that I am having trouble negotiating.

Two years ago she married a man whom I adore for accepting her and loving her the way she is, and for adopting her two children who were fatherless. The children are both doing much better with him in their lives, and so is she.

Last May, however, she and her husband announced to me that they were both gay. They were planning to remain in the marriage, and each of them would be free to have a significant other on the side.

Her husband already had someone. Not only did they want me to accept this, but to celebrate it.

I told them I could do the first, but not the second.

Now the holidays are arriving. My daughter asked if she could include her new girlfriend at Thanksgiving, because, she said, she's proud of me and wants her girlfriend to know me. She knows that in the past I have always been open to including others at the Thanksgiving table.

I told her I like "Amanda" just fine (I've met her), but that I didn't feel right including this big, happy extended "family" at the table as if everything were okay, partly because I feel that the whole thing has not played out and that it is endangering her marriage.

I told her that maybe in the future I can manage it better, but just now I'm not up to it.

I know this is not the end of the discussion.

Any words of wisdom for me?

Stymied in Portland, Ore.

Your openness and liberal attitude about diversity are beautiful.

Now your daughter is whacking you over the head with it.

Don't let her.

Stop bending over backward to understand and accommodate this. This sort of open marriage and chaotic personal situation cannot be good for your grandchildren, and I imagine that you must be worried about them.

This isn't a gay thing. This is a question of your daughter stepping way over the line.

Let's pretend that your daughter and her husband are both straight and that she wants to bring both her husband and her male lover to Thanksgiving dinner. Would you even consider including this threesome at your Thanksgiving table?

I don't think you would. The only difference here is that your daughter is attempting to "play" you. Don't fall for it.

At some point you have to say, "Honey, I love you like nobody's business, but you need to give me a break already. Leave Thanksgiving alone."

Let's agree that this sort of arrangement isn't quite what the Indians and the Pilgrims had in mind when they sat down together for their first feast.

Dear Amy:

"Baltimore Blues" said that she seems to be a magnet for "automotive bullies" who honk, yell and gesture rudely at her.

Your advice that she should behave with dignity in the face of it all is nice, but perhaps she should look more closely at her own driving habits.

Does she use her turn signals properly? Does she drive 15-20 miles below the speed limit, instead of pulling over while she rummages in her purse?

There will always be one or two bad drivers out there who lack both courtesy and patience, but a person who has become a "magnet" for them is definitely doing something wrong.

L.A. Commuter

Many readers urged this woman to take a closer look at her own driving habits.

As an "L.A. Commuter" I'm sure you've seen your share of drivers of every stripe, so I appreciate your suggestion.

Write to Amy Dickinson at or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.

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