Set up a National Fruitcake Eaters Registry to make it easier to re-gift the brick you get for Christmas.

The public-spirited folks at the Service Employees International Union are sponsoring a contest with a grand prize of $100,000: "We're looking for fresh, new ideas for a better America. Do you have a common-sense idea that will improve the day-to-day lives of everyday Americans?"

The puerile-spirited folks at The Style Invitational are sponsoring a contest with a grand prize of half a set of bookends with a bag over its head: We're looking for funny stuff to put on Page D2 of The Washington Post. Do you have a senseless idea for improving the day-to-day lives of everyday Americans?

Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives, via Loser Dave Prevar of Annapolis, a bottle of Genuine Gold from Colorado. That would be gold flakes suspended in liquid, with a little prospector charm atop the bottle cap. They are, well, shiny.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 12. Put "Week 639" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 1. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest was suggested by several people; the example is by Russell Beland of Springfield. The revised title for next week's contest is by John O'Byrne of Dublin.

Report From Week 635

In which the Empress masochistically invited people to send in entries for any of her previous 99 contests (they could refer to later events). Not surprisingly, it was the perennial Losers who went to town on this one.

4 Week 612, No. 102 on a list of 101 things:

101 Ways to Stop Global Warming No. 102: Blow on the ground. (Martin Bancroft, Ann Arbor, Mich.)

3 Week 625, new plots for real movie titles: "Jumpin' Jack Flash": Hidden-camera footage of too-revealing calisthenics at the fitness club. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

2 The winner of the Monopoly rip-off game Washington in a Box: Week 608, retorts:

Q. Are you fishing? A. No, I'm walking my pet lake. (Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.)

1 And the winner of the Inker:

Week 629, "marriages":

If Anouk Aimee married Norman Lear, Rick Dees and John Jacob Astor, we'd surely have Anouk Lear Dees Astor. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

A Chronicle of Honorable Mentions

Week 539, poems about notables who died in 2003: I mourn the death of Spectacular Bid / Each time I open a dog food lid. (Brendan Beary)

Week 540, historical events as pairs of puns: 411 B.C.: Aristophanes writes "Lysistrata": Sex and the City-State, or No Hits, No Runs, No Eros. (Chris Doyle)

Week 545, spell a word backward and define the result: Oedor: The mixed scent of broncos, bulls, cowboys and fear. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Le Guk: An unsuccessful brand of noodle pudding. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Week 546, combine two or more U.S. towns in a "joint venture": The Phenix (Va.) - Pittsburg (N.H.) J. Danforth Quayle Center for Academic Excellense (Russell Beland., Springfield)

The Youngblood (Ala.) Coeur d'Alene (Idaho) Screamer (Tenn.) Horror Movie Hall of Fame (Brendan Beary)

Week 547, the good and bad of corporate names: Big Red Gum is a good name for chewing gum but a bad name for a periodontal clinic. (Russell Beland)

No Nonsense Sheer Endurance is a good name for pantyhose but a bad name for an escort service. (Brendan Beary)

Week 548, what celebrities did as children: Johnny Cameron Swayze smashed his father's watch with a hammer and, boy, did he get a licking. (Roy Ashley)

Week 568, groaner puns on book titles: What do Yellowstone rangers call a first-time hiker? Bear Food in the Park. (Chris Doyle)

What did they call the booby prize at the casserole cook-off? The Winner of Our Dish Contempt. (Chris Doyle)

Week 571, invent a word containing, adjacently, T, H, E and S: Chesticles: Mammaries. (Ben Schwalb, Severna Park)

Week 577, plays on TV show titles: Fear Factorial: Not just fear, but fear! (Tom Greening, North Bethesda)

Husseinfeld: A sitcom about a dictator who hangs out with three annoying, neurotic people for nine years, then has them shot. (Ben Schwalb)

Week 579, alter the title of a TV show: The Young and the Wristless: Life in a Saudi reform school. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)

Weeks 589 and 628, combine the beginning and end of two words in that week's Invitational: Strad-buster: His new nickname summed up why Pete Townshend's second career as a concert violinist met a quick end. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)

Ma-spective, pa-spective, gram-spective: "No, because I said so": "Okay, but don't get arrested"; "Here, honey, eat something." (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Week 595, define a hyphenated heading on a page of a phone book: Child-Chimney: Vulgarism for the birth canal. (Deborah Guy, Columbus, Ohio)

Fireplace-Fishing: This week on "America's Stupidest Hobbies." (Ben Schwalb)

Week 598, names for rooms at particular places: Restroom at a tech support center: Nature Calls (average wait time: 72 minutes) (Pam Sweeney)

Week 602, change a word beginning with A, B, C or D by one letter and redefine it: Argoyles: really ugly socks. (Michelle Stupak)

Debaucherry: one's first orgy. (Tom Witte)

Commandot: a telltale sign that someone isn't wearing underwear. (Tom Witte)

Week 612, No. 102 of a list of 101 items: 101 Rules for Dressing for Success No. 102: Be sure your lipstick matches the shade of your snake tattoo. (Howard Walderman, Columbia)

101 Tools for Husbands to Help Their Wives No. 102: the orchid whacker. (Roy Ashley)

Week 615, announcements for the Independence Air comic to make: Good news! Bank of America has just approved a short-term loan, so we'll be flying with a full tank of fuel on this leg of the trip. We'll keep you informed if that changes. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

Week 617, write about someone using only the letters in his name: Anderson Cooper: N.O. is a pond! CNN's pop poser scoops peers, addresses errors, recaps needs. Dons a cape and ascends onscreen. . . . Poor Aaron. (Michele Puzzanchera, Pittsburgh)

Week 620, Ways to increase Post readership: Invent a rumor that the city's competing paper is owned by a right-wing religious cult. (Russell Beland)

Week 622, a new amendment to the Constitution containing only words from the original: The President shall appoint a citizen to limit immediate danger caused by nature to any State. This person shall be chosen for his payment to the President or Vice President, or by contributing to the list of all persons who voted for the President, and shall not have any other qualification. (Drew Bennett, Alexandria)

Week 625, new plots for real movie titles: "9 to 5": A woman adjusts to life with her, um, less substantial second husband. (Tom Witte)

Week 629, comical marriages or other unions: If Dee Wallace-Stone married Eric Carmen, Rob Lowe, Cornel West, John Dean, Mark Harmon and Ralph Nader, she'd be Dee Lowe West Carmen Dean Harmon Nader. (Chris Doyle)

If Dick Van Dyke married Lorena Bobbitt, you'd have Van Dyke. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)

Week 632, backronyms: Speed Stick: Seriously, People, Employ [Expletive] Deodorant! Stench That Indecent Could Kill! (Jonathan Guberman, Princeton, N.J.)

Viagra: Verifiably Increases A Gent's Recreational Amplitude (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

NASA: Not All Shuttles Arrive (Melissa Yorks, Gaithersburg)

Next Week: A Song From Tex Arcana, or Compose Mentis