What I learned in grammar school:

1. The Cradle of Civilization is Mesopotamia.

2. The Japanese live in paper houses.

3. It is better to be in German prison camp than a Japanese prison camp, because at least Germans are human.

4. The President of the United States is and always will be Franklin D. Roosevelt.

5. Don't sass Mrs. Burkman.

6. The Irish eat nothing but potatoes.

7. My parents should vote for the bond issue.

8. Georgia was settled by criminals.

9. Italy is shaped like a boot.

10. Russia is my friend. What I learned outside grammar school:

1. Kids on relief get clothes from Montgomery Ward. They are the best kind of clothes.

2. Don't sass Bobby Carr.

3. Possums reproduce in a strange way.

4. Stag Beer is the best.

5. Never play marbles with somebody who shoots with a steel ball bearing.

6. Nobody else wears knickers.

7. After you break into a building, cover your flashlight as much as possible with your fingers.

8. Marvel cigaretts aren't even worth 15 cents.

9. The South may yet win.

10. Softballs are hard. What I learned in junior high school:

1. It's a waste of time and effort to learn the alto parts in Glenn Club.

2. My older sister had always done her homework.

3. Russia may be my friend.

4. Don't sass Mr. Stief.

5. Algebra is incomprehensible.

6. Our town has the mayor-commission form of government. There are other forms.

7. In Spanish, masculine and feminine nouns have different endings; in Latin, everything has a different ending.

8. There are Jews.

9. Don't go near the gym floor wearing street shoes.

10. Everybody else wears Levis. What I learned outside junior high school:

1. Joanne Butler's father is one tough cop.

2. Don't sass Billy Custer.

3. Al Capone is a hero.

4. If you have to ride the bus to get to a Halloween costume party, don't go.

5. If she's stood you up three times, it's pointless to ask her out again.

6. Pool table cloth is expensive.

7. Lincoln Continentals have 12 cylinders.

8. The Boy Scout Handbook was right.

9. Never track a member of the opposite sex to a church, or you will wind up being dipped in a tub of water.

10. Our mayor and commissioners probably are for sale. What I learned in high school:

1. Russia is my enemy.

2. The Renaissance began sometime around the end of the Middle Ages.

3. It is possible to pass English without reading Silas Marner.

4. Spanish has a subjunctive.

5. It is not possible to pass English without memorizing Hamlet's soliloquy.

6. Don't sass Coach Downing.

7. Straight-A students copy from each other; so do straight-D students.

8. It is possible to scale a 10-foot wall, after sassing Coach Downing.

9. South America is wall-to-wall Nazis.

10. Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin. What I learned outside high school:

1. Gertrude S---'s father has a television set.

2. Funeral baskets can be reclaimed and resold to florists for 25 cents apiece.

3. Police officers do not need assertiveness training.

4. Never go on a roller-skating date.

5. My uncle invented glycerine-softened bathub gin.

6. Nobody wins in a card game played for fun.

7. A Rocket 88 Oldsmobile will do 120 m.p.h. on aviation gasoline and mothballs. Once.

8. Gertrude's television isn't worth it.

9. Under no circumstances sass Frank Ramatowski.

10. Send her flowers.