Dear Mr. Claus:
Christmas Eve has traditionally been a night of confusion for air traffic controllers, not to mention television weather forecasters. This confusion appears to be due in large part to repeated sightings of airborne sleighs pulled by reindeer, and you are believed to be an operator of such an aircraft.
Since it is the responsibility of the Federal Aviation Administration to ensure the safety of the skies by allocating the use of air space, we wish to inform you that, by not filing annual flight plans with the FAA, you have been in violation of federal regulations. If you do not comply with the requirement this year, our enforcement bureau will have no choice but to forbid you to enter our nation's airspace this Christmas Eve.
Thank you for your anticipated compliance. Administratively yours, Pete r. Pan, Flight Engineer Dear Mr. Clause:
Every Christmas the Environmental Protection Agency listens to countless citizens recite complaints of: a clatter on their lawns, the prancing and pawing of hoofs on their roofs, annoying belly laughs in their living rooms, shrill whistles outside their windows, and, in the early morning hours, exclamations of "Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!" out of nowhere. These excessive noises, which disturb the peace of those who have just settled their brains for long winter's naps, are also reported to be accompanied by ashes and soot swirling from fireplaces and obnoxious pipe smoke rising from the living rooms.
These assaults on the home environment will no longer be tolerated by this Agency, and you are being issued a restraining order (enclosed) against visiting private homes this year.
The order will be in force until you can equip your reindeer with rubber shoes and can demonstrate that you can work in silence and use the front door. Furthermore, you must agree to abstain from smoking in homes without ashtrays.
If you wish to apply for rescission of this order, please note that this office will close at 3:00 p.m. on Wednesday, Dec. 24, 1980, to wish its staff a happy holiday. Protectively yours, Ralph Raider, Environmentalist-in-Training Dear Mr. St. Nicholas-Claus:
Two separate complaints, one from a group of young female reindeer from the North Pole and one from an elderly milk cow from Wisconsin, have caused the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission to publish in today's Federal Register the following interrogatories to you:
1. What is the sex of each of the following employees of your delivery service: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and Rudolph?
2. If, as alleged, all of the above-named employes are male, what affirmative-action programs do you have to add female reindeer to your company's team?
3. Have any of your employes ever jumped over an extraterrestrial body?
4. If they have not, why has a cow, who has jumped over the moon (as witnessed by a cat, fiddle, dog, dish and spoon) been denied employment as a sleigh-puller?
We shall look forward to responding to your responses. Equally yours, (Ms.) Eve N. Adam, Equal Opportunist Dear Mr. Claws:
It has been brought to the attention of the Occupational Safety and Health Administration that you operate a toy manufacturing business that employs a good number of elves, who, because of their size, must stand on chairs to reach their work. Since this practice presents a clear hazard of falling, you are requested to show cause why you should not: (1) lower the work surface so that chairs are unnecessary and/or (2) equip each chair with a safety railing extending at least 240 degrees around the chair.
The Administration also understands that you deliver your finished products in an open sleigh. Does or will your sleigh have a roll bar?
Have a safe and healthy holiday. Really yours, F. X. O'Sha, Occupant Dear Mr. Claes:
The Nuclear Regulartory Commission understands that one of your reindeer, Rudolph-the-Red-Nose by name, has a very shiny nose. We are further advised that, if we ever saw it, we would even say it glows.
Since there is a remote chance that substances in this animal's olfactory organ are subatomically active and, therefore, subject to regulation by this Agency, you are requested to answer the following:
(1) What is the level of radiation emitted from Rudolph's nose?
(2) How many millirems of this radiation will penetrate the average household roof?
(3) Are the radiation exposures of the other reindeer and the sleigh operator within regulatory guidelines?
Please respond to these questions within your next half-life. Regularly yours, A. M. Bombast, Arms Comptroller Dear Mr. Claas:
Shortly after Christmas several young people complained to the Federal Trade Commission that you or your elves had used deceptive gift-wrapping to conceal the true nature of presents you left at their homes. One boy related the sad tale of unwrapping what looked to be the baseball bat he had asked for only to find a yellow umbrella. A girl who was sure her soft package from Santa contained a cuddly stuffed hedgehog was disappointed to unwrap a foam rubber football.
Such deceptive practices are contrary to all the truth-in-packaging guidelines of this Commission, and you are hereby served notice to show cause why you should not be restrained from further Christmas giving.
I remain, your humble, civil servant. Honestly, Robert (Bob) Catchit, Clerk Dear Mr. Cause:
It has come to the attention of the Bureau of Food of the Food and Drug Administration that you are somewhat of a philanthropist, who has the hangup of leaving edible gifts in children's stockings. This practice is in violation of several FDA guidelines, and we hope you will clean up your act.
Firstly, food (including candy) can only be distributed if it is packaged in a sanitary container. Used chidlren's socks do not meet this requirement. Secondly, any goodies you distribute must have their ingredients and nutritional value clearly stated on a label. If you must leave sweets in (unused) stockings, we suggest you have adequate labels printed to affix to each garment so employed.
Thank you for your generous compliance with our regulations. Sweetly, Ann T. Saccharin, Nutritionist