John Doe leads the Senators in RBIs with 36. Gene McSparron leads them in RNQBIs -- runs not quite batted in -- with eight. McSparron's pathetically shallow fly balls have gotten seven Senators thrown out at home, and one other Senator was tagged out at home when McSparron laid down the worst squeeze bunt in history, a one-hopper to the third baseman.
The Senators are batting .239 with an unmarried man on third and less than two out in weeknight games in the Central Time Zone. However, in games following the declaration of a presidential candidate or games in which they face pitchers of Eastern European ancestry, the Senators are 4-1.
Jonathan Van Dorn leads the Senators with seven Quality Starts -- starts in which a pitcher lasts six innings or more and allows three earned runs or less. Sonny Doyle leads the Senators with five Faulty Starts -- starts in which the pitcher goes two innings or less, allows five earned runs or more and gets at least one teammate injured by the ferocious velocity of a batted ball.
Moe-Don Dorcas has eight home runs and 24 RBIs in ballparks made of real brick; no homers and just two RBIs in parks featuring aluminum siding.
Major Banks has been batting Tito Mantequilla leadoff to make sure to get his bat into the game between 7:30 and 8 p.m., when he's hitting an amazing .487. In the hours when "Wheel of Fortune" isn't on the air, Mantequilla is stroking a feeble .091.
Walid Sadir leads the Senator relievers in dealing with inherited runners. Sadir has allowed 21 to score in 41 innings. Xerox scion Tyler Motherwell leads the staff in dealing with inheritance runners -- runners whose parents' net worth is above $8 million. Motherwell has faced five, and four agreed to endorse George Bush.
The Senators always beat the Yankees.