SOMETIMES A MAN NEEDS SOME fast reading. Sometimes I'll pick up USA Today and find myself screaming "Get to the point!"

My favorite new magazine is Bathroom Journal, "America's quick- reading self-help digest." This is the mag for "people who need to make every minute count." This is the mag that offers every single reader a free bathroom wall rack for reading matter.

Bathroom Journal makes USA Today look like it was written by Charles Dickens.

Michael Cohen, the 27-year-old founder and publisher, didn't just dive in. He did research. He considered titles such as Flush and The Toilet Paper. He collected actual facts: More than 50 million Americans read on the throne. They spend an average of 11 minutes a day doing so.

"I don't know what the methodology was on that one," Cohen said. "I think it was a telephone survey of the researchers' friends."

A former New York public relations man, Cohen was in the bathroom at work one day when he realized he had already read his copy of Advertising Age. There ought to be alternative reading matter at hand, he decided.

In its very first issue, my favorite magazine provides the answers to these crucial questions: How do I get the most out of life? (Read Bathroom Journal, you silly.) How do I use this magazine? (Mount it next to the toilet, of course.) And, am I a risk-taker? (Missed by two points.)

Things I love about Bathroom Journal: It has a Panel of Experts (if I could only get into one of their meetings . . .). They have a column called Gonzo Journal, by Hunter S. Thompson. And Bathroom Journal is based in Cleveland. Cleveland!

And it's a complete magazine: facts, photos, horoscopes and fiction. Here's the start of this month's short story: "Lee peeked out of her apartment window, peering through the raindrops to the darkened street below." And here's how it ends: " 'Oh, yes, Gram,' she whispered through a mist of happy tears. 'Oh, yes.' "

Yes indeed. ::