Q: I am considering becoming a celebrity. What are the duties of an entourage and what qualifications should celebrities look for in entourage members? (Should my question be used, I would put the $25 toward procuring the services of a food taster.) -- Howard Walderman, Columbia

A: According to celebrity law, you'll need a minimum of five (5) people to achieve entourage, not including security personnel. These need to be a combination of: at least two (2) people you pay to do things you'd rather not do, plus at least one (1) publicist, all of whom should wear headsets; at least one (1) servile/sycophantic person you don't pay, but who nevertheless acquires bling-related items via your stardom; and at least one (1) family member who manages to serve no purpose whatsoever (these days, the most popular familial accessory is your mom). You should have had sex or be in a current sexual relationship with at least one (1) of the above, preferably not the family member.

Over time entourage members can begin asserting themselves in areas in which they have no professional expertise (i.e., your accountant can produce your next album; your dad can produce your reality show; your sister can become your publicist).

Speaking of family, loved ones make great entourage filler. Demi Moore, 41, routinely shows up with squeezalicious boyfriend Ashton Kutcher, 26, and her daughters Rumer, 15, Scout, 12, and Tallulah, 10. But also frequently in tow is amiable ex-husband Bruce Willis, 49, and his new friend, squeezalicious Brooke Burns, 26. The care and maintenance of an entourage is what celebrities have instead of family values.

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