Everyone knows

The news, in prose,

Is really depressing, factually.

But when you take time

To make it rhyme,

. . . It isn't much better, actually.

Strange Wedfellows

Republicans wailed about justice miscarried --

They'd failed in a vote against gays getting married.

With legal expressions -- "to wit," "inter alia" --

'Twas a brief against couples with like genitalia.

Now, maybe you think gay unions won't warp us --

That this isn't as crucial as habeas corpus,

Or free speech, or free press, or freedom to pray,

And you want this non-issue to just go away.

But here comes an election, like stink on cheese,

And there's plenty of prejudice out there to tweeze,

Which is why, though their plan did not seem to work,

Republican faces show a hint of a smirk.

That's a Bad Thing, Ha-Ha

When things go bad for someone else

And you get overjoyed,

You're in a German state of mind,

They call it "schadenfreude."

Now here's a question to be asked

By schadenfreudish types --

Do you think Martha's butt looks big

In horizontal stripes?

Anti-Trojan Virus

Our country's always led the world in compassionate relief,

A tradition carried on by our commander and our chief.

AIDS may be killing Africa -- every woman, every man,

But Mr. Bush is on the case! He's come up with a plan!

With the graveness of a doctor, he delivers his Rx:

Number one in curing AIDS -- just stop having sex.

With all respect, I might suggest (And, sir, I'm not complaining)

Next time you want to say something, consider just abstaining.

Dirty Laundry

A big bank is gone.

It's done, fini.

Kaput, kerplop,

It's history.

Money was wasted.

A gigantic sum

Was smuggled to

Some tyrant scum.

Owners got rich

(Out, they pigged).

Shareholders suffered,

The whole thing was Rigged.

A Sticky Turnover

Mission accomplished, you Iraqis are free.

We've returned your country, no COD.

Congrats! Our best wishes! We hope things stay calm!

We're sure you'll do fine, just like South Vietnam.

Gene Weingarten's e-mail address is weingarten@washpost.com. Chat with him online Tuesdays at noon at www.washingtonpost.com.