Kids are puking. Kids are screaming. Kids are whirling on an amusement park ride gone wild. The scene from "Problem Child 2" is roaring across the screen at a matinee at Arlington's AMC Courthouse 8 theater. The problem child is laughing maniacally. He's just grabbed the controls of the kiddie ride and turned it into a rotating vomitorium. The moviegoers -- kids -- are laughing too.It's enough to make Siskel and Ebert sick.
Not that it matters. Teenagers have rendered Siskel and Ebert and the rest of the adult film critics irrelevant. They love "Problem Child 2." Though universally panned, the movie pulled in $7.6 million in its first five days of release. From July 1989 to July 1990, the 12- to 20-year-old crowd made up 31 percent of total movie admissions; teenagers pulled out $300 million in wadded bills from jeans pockets in exchange for a box office high.
And they get more than puke-a-minute thrills for their money. They find connections to their lives: From "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves," they draw lessons about racism and class structure; in "Terminator 2," they find the ultimate protective parent; in "Dying Young" they explore the unfamiliar territory of mortality; in "Problem Child 2" they are empowered.
All that heavyhanded analysis notwithstanding, nothing beats a lively barf scene. Or a liquid metal android on a killing spree. If teens are loyally queuing up at the mall milliplexes, perhaps they should be the ones reviewing films.
"Yeah! I say -- can I cuss? -- screw the critics," says Sam Poulin, 14, of Arlington after a matinee of "Robin Hood." "Don't listen to some stuffy old critic who gets paid for watching movies. Listen to what your friends like."
All right, young Sam, here is what your friends like:
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (PG-13) The new movie is a mess, a big, long, joyless reconstruction of the Robin Hood legend. -- Vincent Canby, the New York Times
" 'Robin Hood' was raunchy, bitchin', cosmic," raves Sam Poulin. "But Kevin Costner's accent sucked. It was, like, Midwestern. If he's such a good actor, why can't he cop an English accent?" "It was my favorite movie," says Rashid Pryor, 18, of Northeast Washington. "I loved it when they were doing all that robbery. That was heroic. And today we need a feeling like that too. The movie touched on the homeless and millions and millions of the problems in this city. The rich people live in Georgetown, and the poor people live in Northeast Washington. No one of the upper class gives the lower-class people any help. If we had a figure, not like a thief exactly, but like Robin Hood, then something might happen to change that.
"If someone of a lower minority came up out of the waste and just took over, that would be a big help to solve a lot of the world's problems, like in 'Robin Hood.' The movie showed that the poor people know what the world's problems are. The rich people don't know what suffering is.
"When I saw the part where Robin Hood freed the black man, Azim, and he swore to protect Robin Hood, that really touched my heart. It wasn't just saying black people were all wild Africans or slaves back in that day. It was showing that black people were free and distinguished people. History books don't say that much about how we were as a cultured people. I don't see Bush helping the blacks, Hispanics and the gays. Maybe if Congress had a majority of the minorities, then we could solve things." "People have problems like the ones in 'Robin Hood,' " says Robert Pryor, 14, of Northeast Washington. "And that moves them. Robin Hood didn't know where his father was. He was, like, believing his father was alive, and it was sort of sad because of the shock it had on him when he saw his father dead.
"My father lives in Maryland and I sort of would like to see him again. I was thinking, like, I miss him. I see him three times a year.
"When Robin Hood goes to the castle and saw his father hanging dead in the chandelier, he couldn't bear it. I thought it was painful. I hardly talk to my dad. I don't know what might have happened to him. Seeing the movie made me want to get in touch with him. I called him after the movie."
Terminator 2: Judgment Day (R) John {the boy lead} teaches {the Terminator} a grudging respect for human life, which further contributes to the film's new age spirit. It's this element that is most unique and most satisfying -- that and the richness {Arnold} Schwarzenegger brings to his character. -- Hal Hinson, The Washington Post
"It was bumpin'. Just awesome. The violent parts especially," says Chris Bell, 14, of Arlington. "I saw my man Arnold in 'Terminator 2' 15 times," claims Jaime Ledesma, 16, of Arlington. "He's the best actor. The first time when I saw him in the movie, I clapped and yelled out in Spanish, 'Arnold, my man!'
"Arnold knows how to do every role: comedy, action, drama. His accent helps. And his physique. I like the way the bad Terminator wouldn't stop chasing the kid. I like a lot of explosions. My favorite scene is when Arnold shot the bad guy with a bazooka and his head is hanging off like all twisted. There was violence, but it didn't go overboard with it." "Older people like my grandma would think it's too violent," says Jason Quinn, 16, of Arlington. "But kids love good clean violence. I liked Arnold's wit and his charisma and his ability to throw in good punch lines before he blows someone's brains out." "That was a really bad movie. Bad as in good," says Brian Zickel, 15, of Reston. "The best action movie since 'Die Hard.' It surprised me. There wasn't much death in it. Usually everyone gets shot to pieces in these movies. But when Arnold fires right into the bad guy's face, instead of your usual blood and guts, you get a metallic split-open head.
"Having your own Terminator at your beck and call -- I could relate to that. I'd like to have a Terminator too. It would be like getting the most incredible birthday present you could get. My mom would say, 'We only got you one thing for your birthday, but I think you'll enjoy it.' The first thing I'd do is bring him to Tysons Corner. Or maybe I'd show him off on the main street in Reston. I'd have him tag along with me to school. And if I needed it, he would blow apart somebody. He'd be the most useful in that situation, you know, because he's a Terminator." "Me and my friends were, like, 'Wow, that was on it!' That's our expression for 'great,' " explains Toby Bush, 15, of Lexington Park. "We like action, excitement, suspense, to see something happening every second. Not like that movie 'Parenthood.' I liked the mother role. She showed a strong person, emotionally. I don't care much for violence or for the gun parts." "Probably the best movie I've ever seen," says Erik Blythe, 17, of Springfield. "You didn't keep looking at your watch like at the real corny movies, like 'Dances With Wolves.' I liked that it had a lot of different kinds of weapons and different kinds of destruction."
Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead (PG-13) Every second is agonizing. The kids -- there are five of them -- are meant to be impossible ... but the filmmakers couldn't have intended them to be quite as hateful and mean-spirited as they come off. -- Hal Hinson, The Washington Post
"I don't how the critics got the idea that it was bad," says Dominique Whills, 14, of Southeast Washington. "The kids were nowhere near obnoxious. They were basically grown-up kids -- witty, intelligent and responsible." "It was awesome, cool," says Kim Cannon, 17, of Sterling. "The kids get into a lot of trouble. I can relate to that. Teenagers, we all try to get away with stuff like sneaking out, and the kids got away with everything in the movie. It's pretty realistic, how they portrayed teenagers. They are unsupervised for two months, which I could handle. I'd probably go crazy. First thing, I'd throw a party.
"Adult critics don't like the fact that teenagers got away with so much in the movie, because critics are parents and they're stuck at home. Critics were young once, but they don't remember. They don't want us to have any fun, so they tell us the movies are bad when they're really good."
"It was like a big adventure," says Jennifer Harrington, 16, of Sterling. "The girl took advantage of the situation and spent all her money like I always do on movies, clothes, tapes, junk. Anything but what I'm supposed to be spending it on. And then she had to face responsibility, like I do. It's a story all teenagers go through. Having to face responsibility. The movie was realistic for teenagers. Adults probably look at it and go, 'Yeah, right.' "
Dying Young (R) It's a fairly trite tale all in all, and it doesn't help that director Joel Schumacher is squeamish about going for the cheap tears. As weepers go, this one is on the dry side. -- Rita Kempley, The Washington Post
"It was a sweet love story," says Nicole Poulin, 19, of Arlington. "If you're a romantic, you'll like it. I cried. I cry during Kodak commercials. The end was really touching and realistic. The way it wasn't like everything was all better. The couple was going to take it one day at a time. It was kind of a love story, and adults are cynical about love stories. Teenagers are romantic, and God, what cynical critics there are."
"Teenagers like this movie because it helps them deal with life," says Kenny Diggs, 18, of Arlington. "Parents already went through their life. Adults know someone who died, so they don't want to see it again in a movie.
"But 'Dying Young' could help teenagers as they're growing up. I liked it because when the guy was doing drugs, doping himself with needles, his girlfriend stayed with him. I feel like I learned a lesson: If I ever love a girl and she was doing drugs, I would help her out and not leave her.
"I started crying in the end, when Julia Roberts stayed with him, even though he was going to die. And I usually don't cry. Maybe I shouldn't say that I cried."
Problem Child 2 (PG-13) This was one brat, and one bratty movie that's nearly impossible to tolerate, much less like. ... It seems to think that an orgy of projectile vomiting is funny. -- Hal Hinson, The Washington Post
"If you don't feel like thinking about the Indians being killed by the white race, you'll love it," says Nicole Droitsch, 18, of Arlington. "I mean, I'm glad it wasn't the kind of movie that makes you feel guilty for being a human being like 'Dances With Wolves.' That made you feel like going into a massive coma.
"There's no plot. You don't have to think about it. You just enjoy it. My favorite part was when all the kids were throwing up on each other.
"I really don't respect the adult critics. Their reviews are too in-depth. Siskel and Ebert should retire. They can keep on rating those older movies like 'Miracle on 42nd Street,' which adults watch 400 million times. But they're too old to realize what movies kids like. I mean, when we go on dates, we're not going to go see 'Passage to India.' "
"It's a great movie," says Anisa Milotte, 13, of Stephens City, Va. "I liked when the problem child electrocuted the woman who was trying to date his father. This woman was all decked out in a dark blue sequin dress and high heels. When she rang the door bell, she got all electrocuted. She looked really weird. Like, she's practically fried. She goes: I don't think we can go on this date. And she walks off and falls down and drops dead.
"I liked it because there was this weird, kooky guy who was trying to go out with my mom. He took us out in a boat and used to make us pudding. I thought it would be fun to electrocute the guy dating my mom. But I wouldn't have the guts.
"Also I liked when the bad woman was going to marry the problem child's father. She was going to send him to boarding school in Baghdad. That reminded me of when Mom might have married that weird guy.
"My favorite part is when they go so fast on an amusement park ride, and one of the girls that ate 20 ice cream cones threw up. Then all the kids throw up all over their parents. I'm still laughing from that scene. Adults just don't have much imagination like kids have."
TEEN CRITIC: "It's a great movei," says Anisa Milotte (right).
TEEN CRITIC: "It was a sweet love story," says Nicole Poulin (left).