A few items to help kick off Monday - or maybe make you wish you had stayed in bed:

The cook and personal aide hired recently to help Joseph A. Califano Jr., Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare qualifies for two checks from Uncle Sam.

In addition to a civil service salary of $12,763, the aide, a former Marine master sergeant also is due a military pension of more than $6,600. The pension is for 20 years, 6 months and 1 day in uniform through March 1.

The administrative assistant-security specialist hired by HEW, at $43,923 ayear, qualifies for a Secret Service pension of about $18,000. Most "re-employed annuitants)' in government receive only the difference between their pension and regular pay.But the AA-bodyguard does not fall into that category so he receives both pension and salary, according to HEW.

More than a million taxpayers, many of them with financial problems, are hoping the Senate and House can beat the April 15 tax filing deadline and save them some money. Congress is moving to change the effective date of the law which wiped out 1976 tax exclusion benefits for persons who receive sick or disability pay.

The plan is to make the law effective Jan. 1 of this year to save individuals a large 1976 tax bite. The Senate and House tax-writing committees have approved the necessary bill. The next step is for the full Senate and full House to clear the measure and send it to President Carter.

Carter Administration officials, trying to figure out who and where people are in government, are gobbling up the privately-printed Federal Yellow Book. The frequently updated loose leaf telephone directory costs $95 a year. A congressional version is $60. Call 544-4242 for details.

Several important union powwows are scheduled here this week. The American Postal Workers Union's giant board of directors is to meet on legislative goals and a save-the-postal-service campaign. Members are concerned about rumors, soon to be fact, that a study will recommend cutting back mail delivery to 5 days a week and stepping up electronic transfer of checks and funds to banks. Both moves would cost jobs but save USPS a bundle and perhaps prevent the 13-cent stamp from becoming a 25-cent stamp.

AFL-CIO's Public Employees Department, the umbrella for 29 different government unions, also is holding a legislative conference to see how its more than 1 million members can push for better pay and fringe benefits and keep those already on the books.

American Federation of Government Employees and the Interntional Association of Firefighters are looking for government firefighters who think they have been underpaid for time worked. The unions want names to add to a pending class-action suit.

From the accidents-will-happen department goes a floral wreath to the gentleman designated for a top Carter administration consumer job.He moved into his new office and started redecorating before a routine check disclosed that he was, and is, a card-carrying Republican. He has moved out and left no forwarding address.

White-collar postal workers at the L'Enfant Plazza (pronounced "infanticide" plaza) headquarters are flooding the White House with proposed "hit" lists of alleged closet Republicans. Although selected via the postal merit system, some of the incumbent brass may be replaced via a gentle nudge.

The feisty National Taxpayers Union, which receives the maximum in headlines from each tantalizing press release, will tackle plans to reform the Hatch Act. Unions want to eliminate all partisan political activity bans on government and postal workers . NTU says the proposal would open for the government a new era of the spoils system and make government even less responsive.

Postal employee legislation once handled by the now-defunct Senate Post Office-Civil Service Committee now comes under the broader based and strange sounding Subcommittee on Energy, Nuclear Proliferation and Federal Services. Sen. John Glenn (D-Ohio) will run the shop.