DEAR GUINNESS BOOK of World Records: I just completed my 12th consecutive day as driver of the car pool. Is this a record? Is there a record for most trips past the pink house and all the children yelling, "Ugh, gross?" There should be a record for that.
Dear Guinness Book of Records: I now have taken the television set in to be repaired for the fourth time. Is that a record-most repairs to the same set? It is always fixed and then everything turns purple again: Is there a record for seeing Howard Cosell in purple?
Dear Guinness Book of Records: I now have eight shrits missing a collar button. Is that a record" I should think so. I have maybe five more with no cuff buttons, right or left. Do you have categories for right and left cuffs? If so I'll let the cleaner know. I think they just break the buttons haphazardly now.
Dear Guinness Book of Records: Do you have categories for these sorts of things: They are the little challenges of life-our little Mount Everests. There should be a Guinness Book of Records for ordinary people, entries like most time forgeting steak tartare is raw, or most times forgetting your own phone number. I did this once years ago, and the operator told me I had an unlisted number and would not divulge it. Neither would her supervisor. Even when I said it was my own number. If it was my number, they said, I would know it. Dear Guinness Book of Records, does this happen to other people?
Dear Guinness Book of Records: Is there a record for receiving wrong numbers? I get them all the time. Once I got six in a row, all for LeRoy. Nobody ever said "sorry" or apologized. They all hung up and made me think it was my fault. I felt guilty. Why I should feel guilty for their wrong number is beyond me, but there it is. Anyway, I think six wrong numbers in a row all for LeRoy is a record: "The Most Wrong Numbers in a Row Asking for LeRoy, Richard Cohen of Washington-Six."
Dear Guinness Book of Records: I have 43 cans of Contadina tomato paste. Is this a record? Every time I go to the store I buy some more. I have a deathly fear of running out of tomato paste. I know someone who does this with yogurt, and everyone does it with toilet paper. Toilet paper does not count.
Dear Gunniness Book of Records: I was an under-graduate for nine years. Is that a record? I was an undergraduate so long I was allowed to use the faculty men's room. This helped account for my father's four ulcer attacks, probably another record-most ulcer attacks by the fater of a perpetual undergraduate.
Dear Gunniness Book of Records: I now have broken my temporary bridge four times. This has got to be a record. My dentist blames me for this. He says I grind my teeth. He says I'm nervous. Of course I'm nervous. I worry about breaking my bridge. If he thinks I'm nervous, he should meet my father. He had four ulcer attacks. I think he's listed in the Guinness Book of Records.
Dear Guinnes Book of Records: I have now lost all my cuff links. Is that a record? I have one half of many of them, mostly Roman coins and little pieces of ugly rocks brought back by relatives from Mexico and Israel. Did you notice that Mexico and Israel have the same ugly rocks? Does this mean that Mexicans are the lost tribes of Israel? Either way, you have a new category-Most countries with the same ugly rocks.
Dear Guinness Book of Records: I now have 17 plans to getting money in an emergency. All of my credit cards and two of my banks have a system. I either have to go to an airport and remember a secret number I've lost or stand in line in the cold and argue with a machine. I once saw a machine seize a man's card and then give him the electric finger. I vowed never to do business with a machine and I can't remember where I hid my secret number for the airport. Instead, I go to the liquor store on the corner to cash a check. Still, I have the plans, Seventeen of them. Is that a record?
Dear Guinness Book of Records: I now have two cars that have been recalled, and the television set that was repaired for times was also recalled. Is this a record" I don't own Firestone tires, but my mother used to check my shoes in one of those X-ray machines in the shoe stores. I can't wait until I get the letter on that.
Dear Guinness Book of Records: Once I went out with 14 girls in a row who were neurotic. Is this a record? One of them wanted to ba a bullfighter and one wanted to marry a motorcycle and another walked around her apartment wearing the leather jacket Humphrey Bogart wore in "They Drive By Night." She's not the one who wanted to be beaten. I only took the non-Jewish one home to meet my mother. My mother is in the Guinness Book of Records, too-most suffering by a Jewish mother.