HEY, LADIES, have you heard the news? Ronald Reagan has promised one of his first Supreme Court vacancies to a woman. Isn't that just great, ladies? Now you can all relax. Just think, a woman on the Supreme Court! Maybe she will strike down tokenism.

Of course, ladies, she would have to be against abortion. Such a shame. But there's no way around it. You cannot treat a woman differently from a man, you know, and Reagan's platform promises that he will not appoint someone to the federal courts who would permit abortion. If that's the rule for a man, it would have to be the rule for a woman, too. That's the way it is, ladies.

She would also have to be against the Equal Rights Amendent. I mean, I mean, she couldn't be for it, could she? Of course not.Reagan is against it. The Republican Party platform opposes it. The first woman appointee would have to be against it, too. Sorry, ladies, but that's the way it would have to be.

But it would be a woman. A woman! All those people who say that Ronald Reagan is a male chauvinist pig -- oink, oink -- or is not sympathetic to women, well, what do they know? All those people who think his opposition to ERA means that he's against women. Well, this will show them.

Of course, she would have to be in favor of women staying in the home. I mean she could not be for careers or anything like that. She would have to be in favor of keeping women in the home -- raising kids and dusting and cooking and watching "The Young and The Restless" in duller moments. It's the way Reagan wants it, ladies. It's the way his people want it.The first woman appointee to the Supreme Court would have to stay at home. Maybe she could call in her opinions by phone.

But she can't believe in evolution. No, siree. I mean, Reagan himself does not believe in evolution. He said so. A lot of the people who support him don't believe in it, either. They believe in something called the creationist theory. It's very quaint. You should read up on it. Of course, evolution is just a theory anyway. Of course, so is relativity. Oh, who can think of such things!

Still, what an honor to be the first woman chosen for the Supreme Court. I mean, who cares if some people say it's tokenism. Who cares if someone says the job should go to the best qualified person regardless of sex and that if you are going to take sex into consideration, the appointment should go to a feminist. Who cares if someone says this is Reagan's way of pandering to the female vote. He's supposed to be in trouble with the female vote, you know. Women think he's a warmonger.

Oh, you can understand. He talked of invading this and invading that, using the fleet here and the Marines there (Just think, the Marines!) and being really tough with a zealot like the ayatollah. I mean, he thinks he can scare the ayatollah, who has spent half his life on a blanket, living in exile. Forget it, ladies. You know how some men are.

Back to this Supreme Court seat. The woman would have to be for school prayer. She would have to be in favor of a constitutional amendment so that all the kids in the country could start their day with a prayer that they could not, for some reason, say at home. Maybe the first woman Supreme Court justice could write the prayer. It could be a nice touch. Maybe she could say something about how God may be a woman.That ought to stop the school prayer movement dead in its tracks.

The whole thing is just so exciting. All of Washington will want to know what the new woman will look like -- where she will do her hair or buy her clothes and whether, just as long as we're asking questions, the Supreme Court will still be known as the brethren? The sistren? Just doesn't sound right. Oh well, that's not the important thing.The important thing is the appointment.

Of course, whatever woman is chosen will have to be for right-to-work laws and against busing and pretty much for a return to some forms of censorship. She would be rough on welfare and be pro-police and be tough on the accused and be pretty dismal on civil liberties, including the enforcement of sex discrimination laws -- no feminist she. In fact, if Reagan has his way, one thing becomes clear:

The first woman Supreme Court justice might be a male chauvinist pig.