For lo these many months, we have been watching the various political races in Washington, Maryland and Virginia, reading the newspapers, doing our research, speaking to the candidates and listening to those among them who can talk, and are now prepared to make our endorsements. The envelope, please.
For mayor of the District of Columbia: Harry J. McGuirk. Like almost everyone else, McGuirk is running for the wrong office. As a Baltimore politician of the old school, he should be mayor of Washington, not governor of Maryland. The city could use his craftiness, his raw intelligence and his ability to get what he wants out of almost any legislative body in which sleight of hand can be a factor. But most important, McGuirk already dresses like a big city mayor while it has taken the incumbent, Mr. Marion Barry, four years to assemble the proper wardrobe.
For governor of Maryland: Nobody. This has worked out well the last four years and is a system that should be retained. This makes for honesty and efficiency in government, but has (we must admit) produced a certain ennui and apathy at the U.S. Attorney's office in Baltimore.
For the Washington school board: Sam Bogley. Mr. Bogley, a man who can make an omelet of a simple declarative sentence, would return low comedy and total confusion to a body that lately has begun to take itself seriously. He is miscast as a candidate for lieutenant governor of Maryland, an empty office in which his confusion and lack of intellect is wasted.
For Prime Minister of Israel: Patricia Roberts Harris. Mrs. Harris, a former everything, has the light touch of Menacham Begin, not to mention his winning personality. One had only to see her standing before the District Building recently saying "I charge today that . . . " to realize that she would be better suited to dealing with the Syrians then with committee chairmen in Congress.
For president of the Washington City Council: Chuck Robb. Mr. Robb technically is not a Washingtonian, but he is married to a woman who was raised in the city and could, following his old pattern, simply move here and pretend that he has been here all along. His main qualification for the City Council job, though, is his reluctance to take an unpopular position on almost anything, not to mention his sense of humor. This is what is needed in a City Council president.
For Stan Parris: Herb Harris. For Herb Harris: Stan Parris. We find the whole thing too confusing.
For senator from Virginia: Marion Barry. Mr. Barry has shown a capacity for growth in office and, moreover, has a need to use the extensive wardrobe he has acquired. It would be a shame to have him all dressed up with nowhere to go. Mr. Barry would not only be the first black senator from Virginia, but the first Virginia senator of any race to stand for something.
On the proposition to require mandatory sentencing for certain crimes: qualified yes. But after great study and consultation with all the experts -- living and dead -- we conclude that it should only be applied to politicians who demagogue on the issue of crime. Thus, we sentence city councilman John Ray to two years of confinement in the National Rifle Association building and throw in, just for the hell of it, the people responsible for the Farecard machines.
After much deliberation we think that Paul Sarbanes should be continued in office - whatever that may be. We think Larry Hogan and Marjorie Holt should become one person (Marjorie Hogan ? Larry Holt?) and after extensive thinking about Marian Greenblatt, we have concluded that it is not worth it. We note that Ross Pierpoint is running for office. We note that we do not have any idea who he is.
For Gauleiter of Prince George's County: Robert Horan. With Larry Hogan becoming Marjorie Holt, the county has a real need for another Larry Hogan. We feel Mr. Horan is the man. Like Hogan and unlike everyone else in America, he is against crime. We are certain that after having eliminated crime in Fairfax County, Mr. Horan will do the same thing in Prince George's. There is also more pornography there.
These, then, are our endorsements. We wish all the candidates the best of luck and remind our readers that voting, like giving blood, is a civic obligation. Have a doughnut and lie down afterwards.