USA Today, a newspaper with a healthy sexual obsession, the other day had, as one of its two or three daily articles on sex, one that asked the question, "What about men turns women on?" As usual, the newspaper interviewed the required psychiatrist and then, of course, Helen Gurley Brown who, if I may say so, talks too much about sex to have any time for it, and then, several ordinary women who offered up the usual choices--Richard Gere, Robert Redford and Paul Newman. Yawn!

I am not one to deny that Gere, Redford or Newman turn women on, although to be perfectly truthful about the matter, most of the women who have sexual fantasies about these men have never met them. I have, and in person they are ugly, dull and have bad breath.

But when it comes to turning women on, I know what does it. It is not one thing, but a constellation of traits, probably the most important of which is touch-typing. I know that this must come as a surprise, but it is nevertheless a fact and, better than that, something I can do, but not all thgat well.

That is not all. Women are also turned on by a man who spends lots of time in the bathroom. This is also something I do, not for any of the usual reasons which, if this were USA Today, I would put in a multicolored box, but as a way of withdrawing and thus playing hard to get. While playing hard to get, I usually read Commentary Magazine and this gets me so mad that I exit the bathroom full of hostility, an emotion women mistake for courage. Women are also turned on by men who never ask directions. Women just go nuts over men who absolutely refuse to pull into a gas station and ask directions when they are lost. God knows why this so turns on the ladies, but if a man passes up a gas station and then a cop and then a couple of people standing on the street who look like "locals," women just become near-animals. I have noticed this myself.

I have found that women are also turned on by men who know nothing about wine. I know nothing about wine except that red goes with meat and white with fowl and fish and that men who really do know something about wine usually know nothing about anything else. This is true, I think, because their heads are so crammed with vintages and trying to remember the difference between Bordeaux and Burgundy, which is like trying to remember the difference between William James and Henry James--neither of whom, I am here to tell you, wrote Ulysses.

This, though, is just half the story. In my research, I have found that women also get turned on by men who, sometimes in passion, sometimes just when things are merely cuddly (see accompanying multicolored graph on cuddling), call the women they are with by the name of a past wife or girlfriend. Oh, how this turns them on! I cannot give you, for obvious reasons, some examples.

There are, of course, other things that turn women on. Not talking about your problems is something that makes most women uncontrollable. Just walk around--pacing is even better--with a troubled look on your face and when a woman asks what's wrong say, "Oh, nothing." This gets guaranteed results. Another thing that turns women on is when a man pays a lot of attention to another woman at a party. This almost never fails, but if it does the man can always accuse the woman of being jealous.

Women are animalistically attracted to men who use them as a file cabinet. This is my little trick. Whenever I am at a restaurant, I look at the menu and then at my wife and ask her what on the menu I like. She just loves this. I ask, "Do I like the sweetbreads?" or "Is it an avocado or an artichoke that is fattening?" I sometimes ask her if we know certain people and if we do, what we think of them and I am sometimes shocked at the judgments I'm told I've made.

Of course, this is nowhere near the complete list of what turns on women. I have neglected the minor things--eyes, physique, personality, forearms (not given nearly enough attention), power, money, money, money and, of course, one other thing: mischievousness.

Hee, hee.