Omarr, the dean of cosmic science, predicted romance and finance for me last year. But he was wrong, again. His horoscopic lens was out of focus, and his planetary calendar confused the seasons. If winter is really spring, then December must be March. The money and love that Sagittarius was supposed to get last year must now belong to Aries.
The earthly house is out of order, according to recent revelations. The November solar eclipse, says our own Carl Kramer, "has triggered some stuff that's still coming down." These are tricky times, I agree.
Therefore, to assist poor Omarr, I bring you "horror scopic" reality based on sustained solar sightings and water signs mixed with spirits of fire.
AQUARIUS (formerly January to February. Now sometime around May). Your buzzword is "I know," because of the crystal-clear air of winter. But because there is no winter, you don't know anything. You are not as smart as you think, and not half as good-looking. If the weather gets warm enough, your friends will let you know with a personalized bar of deodorant soap.
PISCES (formerly February to March. Now June). Your buzzword is "I believe," because fish swimming below the surface aren't certain where they are headed, but believe they are. Like a fish out of water, you make big flaps with your beliefs. Believe it or not, fish head.
ARIES (formerly March to April. Now December). Your buzzword is "I am," because you are arrogant. Your symbol is the ram's head because you are hardheaded. Before the winter ends you will probably be injured during a robbery attempt. See Pisces message for valuable clue.
TAURUS (formerly April to May. Now September). Also bullheaded and lax on hygiene, you will be shunned by many. Your buzzword is "I have," and after much discomfort probably discover that it's herpes.
GEMINI (formerly May to June. Now November). Your buzzword is "I think," but everybody else knows that you are a paranoid schizophrenic. Your split personality may fool some of the people some of the time, but you fool yourself all of the time. "I'm okay," you think.
CANCER (formerly June to July. Now October). Your buzzword is "I feel" because you are ruled by the heart. But the old ticker will be offbeat in the new year. Romance does enter the picture, albeit arm in arm with your best friend.
LEO (formerly July to August. Now February). Your buzzword is "I will," but you won't. Never do. Like the lion in the Wizard of Oz, you lack courage and sometime during the year will encounter a dog named Toto that will mistake you for a fire hydrant.
VIRGO (formerly August to September. Now April). Your buzzword is "I analyze," but everybody knows that you are not smart. You had the sign of the virgin but lost it on a lonely highway. The new year will bring excitement. See Taurus message for clue.
LIBRA (formerly September to October. Now January.) Your buzzword is "We balance," but when your first house, which is ruled by Venus, collides with your second house, which is ruled by your wife, the two will meet and your adulterous scam will be exposed. Also see Taurus message for clue.
SCORPIO (formerly October to November. Now August.) Your buzzword is "I create," and it's usually a stink. You sting folks then wonder why they try to stomp on you. Late winter will find you crawling along the street, probably near a gutter. Lay low until 1999.
SAGITTARIUS (formerly from November to December. Now March.) A general pain in the butt. Your buzzword is "I perceive." You neither know nor think, but do your thing with perception. People think you are an airhead , but you perceive it differently.
CAPRICORN (formerly December to January. Now July). Your buzzword is "I use," and before the new year ends your parents will discover that you use drugs and drop a dime to local authorities. Expect to spend your next birthday in jail.
For many, it is clear that the new year won't be any better than the old one. But that is not what counts. Keen astrological insights help spot those emergencies before they happen, and help makes them happen in time for you to know why.
Don't make your New Year's resolutions without them.