Who has the strangest phone answering machine message in good old D.C.? When I put that question to the body politic a few days back, I expected to hear reports of bizarre mating grunts, weird computer symphonies and go-jump-in-the-lake rendered in obscure Latvian dialects.

What I got instead was directness and cleverness.

Stu Krasner's spiel seems to epitomize this no-nonsense town. "If you're a salesman, I either have one or I don't want it," Stu's tape declares.

Louise Douglas "turned in" a friend who apparently likes old movies -- especially old Alfred Hitchcock movies.

The voice on the friend's tape sounds like the old mooshmouthed mystery-maker himself. "This-s-s-s is your old-d-d-d friend Alfred-d-d-d," it says. "We'll return your call-l-l-l-l after this brief interruption." There follows the sort of blood-chilling female scream for which Hitch was famous.

Baseball may be dead around here -- or at least in suspended animation. But a baseball fan lurks behind one phone answerer in the 899 exchange. The machine begins with a tinkly rendition of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game." After a few seconds, a voice says: "I'm rounding third and heading for home. I'll call you as soon as I reach my home base."

Andrew Teter of Silver Spring nominates a friend for the Getting Right to the Point Prize. "This is (name). Speak," says the friend's message, in toto.

An Alexandrian who is well over 21 shamelessly admits that he tapes the following message when he is out biking on weekends:

It's a beautiful day and I thought I'd like

To take a ride on my new bike

It's blue and white and quite a looker

But it makes me feel kinda like a hooker

As off I go, all smiles, no frown

To pedal my butt all over town

John Hering of Burke has a friend named David George, who recorded the following classic one weekend when his parents were away:

"Hi! This is Dave! If this is one of my friends, come on over! My parents are away, and the music from the party is so loud that I probably couldn't hear the phone ring. If this is one of my parents' friends, just leave a message at the tone and pretend you didn't hear the part about the party. If this is my parents, I'm just kidding. I'm not home."

As for honesty, it doesn't get more honest than the tape at the home of Teri Carter and Jeff Beahm. Their voices alternate as follows:

Teri: Hi, this is Teri.

Jeff: Hey, this is Jeff.

Teri: We can't come to the phone right now.

Jeff: But if you leave a message . . . .

Teri:

. . . . We might return your call.

Jeff: And we might not. Just depends on how we feel.

Reunions, reunions, reunions . . . .

Suitland '62 -- Nov. 7. Call Judy Dant, 842-7871 days, 843-5731 evenings.

West Springfield '77 -- Aug. 8. Call Brenda Hawkes, 370-2120.

Western '52 and '53 -- Sept. 26. Call Lillian Menne, 977-7806 after 6 p.m.

Peary '82 -- July 25. Call Wanda Patterson, 949-3794, Karen Kushner, 622-9071 or Pam Myers, 946-5081.

Blair '62 -- Oct. 17. Call 490-1770.

Potomac '72 -- Aug. 8 and 9. Call Andy Kinn, 894-0860, or Jan Elliot Kane, 423-8871.

Western '37 -- Oct. 16, 17 and 18. Call Mary Curry Park, 573-4765.

Herndon '67 -- Organizing. Call Ronnie McClanahan, 777-8622.

Coolidge '77 -- Aug. 15 and 16. Call Annetta Frayer, 460-3318 or Ruby Mikell, 269-1679.

Surrattsville '77 -- Aug. 1. Call Carolyn Cavanaugh, 868-7845.

Jefferson '67 -- Sept. 5. Call Dean Elliott, 430-0257.

Sherwood '67 -- Oct. 10 and 11. Call Debby Sherwood, 933-1222.

Falls Church '72 -- Aug. 15. Call Lex Sare, 631-2182.

Bethesda-Chevy Chase '77 -- Nov. 28. Call Betsy Flaherty, 294-0960.

Frederick '77 -- Aug. 22 and 23. Call Beth Sanner, 977-0568.

Park View '82 -- Aug. 29. Call Diana Kushner, 444-1909.

Hyattsville '46 and '47 -- Aug. 15. Class of '46 call Miriam Peal Wolff, 864-7965. Class of '47 call Doris Kenney Sommers, 935-4747.

Washington & Lee '77 -- Sept. 5. Call Mike Chellman, 528-1721.

Washington & Lee '52 -- Oct. 9 and 10. Call 524-2673 or 323-6623.

Bowie '67 -- Aug. 7. Call Arlene Simms, 464-1012.

Einstein '67 -- Aug. 8. Call Josette Buhling Hyman, 384-8806.

Groveton '77 -- Aug. 8. Call Michelle Roper Leach, 352-3400 days.

Langley '77 -- Aug. 8. Call Karen Friedland McDowell, 620-9112.